


What We Ask

by constellationqueen



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew is protective as fuck, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'm crying, I'm not kidding okay, M/M, Neil gets raped, Neil is fine, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, also suicide mention, and Neil gets hurt, and then a pretty graphic suicide scene, and then has to live with it, and very rude, forgot about that one, he's NOT FINE, there's sex involved, this is very sad, twice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-23 11:40:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 40
Words: 39,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6115337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constellationqueen/pseuds/constellationqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the one where Ichirou goes after Andrew to make him back off of his investments. Neil gets hurt, and Andrew isn't taking it well. Neither is Neil.</p><p>(AN: if the major character death is making you hesitant, just skip chapter 39, because chapter 40 is an alternate ending where no one dies and everything is happy)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a short-ish thing that I posted to tumblr, but some people requested that I continue it because apparently they like to suffer. I'm always happy to oblige.

Andrew gets the call at four in the morning. “Neil?” Andrew had left the stadium hours ago, but Kevin had made Neil stay because they had lost the game and Kevin wanted to go over the recording with Neil. Neil is a junkie so of course he stayed. “Do you need me to come get you?” He rolls over to turn the lamp on, blinking in the sudden light as he sits up.

“I’m in the hospital. Kevin is too, but he’s not badly hurt.”

Andrew is suddenly wide awake and out of bed, grabbing clothes and shoving them on with his phone between his shoulder and his ear. “What the fuck happened?”

“Just get here please.”

“Neil -”

“Andrew. I can’t… not until I see you.”

Andrew grits his teeth, taking the phone away for a moment as he pulls his shirt over his head. “Alright. If they don’t let me in to see you I will kill them.” He hangs up without waiting for Neil to reply, because right now he just needs to get to the hospital and Neil is a distraction.

He doesn’t remember the drive, but suddenly Andrew is stalking into the hospital and Kevin is waiting for him in the reception area. There’s a cut just shy of Kevin’s temple, but it’s small and didn’t need stitches. He has no other injuries, so Andrew deems him fit and moves on. “Where’s Neil?”

Kevin gets this sudden, hollow look in his eyes and he flinches his gaze away. Andrew grabs his chin and forces his head around. His stomach is in knots but that doesn’t matter right now. “Where is he?” Kevin gestures and wordlessly pulls away, leading Andrew down a hall and up an elevator and then nods at a nurse behind a desk and takes Andrew to a closed door. Andrew doesn’t nock before he pushes inside and closes the door on Kevin.

Neil is standing, sort of. He’s propped up against the wall, in a loose pair of sweats that look like his own. Abby was here, maybe. Or Wymack. Someone else? Doesn’t matter. Andrew locks the door and walks up to Neil, stopping right in front of him. 

Bruises on his face, abrasions over his left cheek, bright red against the mess of scar tissue. Andrew grabs the collar of Neil’s hoodie and Neil hisses in pain and pulls away, and there’s a hard wince as he takes a step to the side. “Neil?” There’s a question in his voice that he doesn’t want to be there.

“I’m sorry,” Neil says, gritting his teeth as he works out of his hoodie. Andrew doesn’t help, rooted to the spot with Neil’s apology. Finally Neil drops the material to the side, exposing more abrasions over his chest, from being pressed and dragged across asphalt. Most of Neil’s upper body is covering in bruises. Andrew doesn’t care for most of them, but the finger-shaped bruises on Neil’s biceps, neck, and the top of his hips catch and hold his attention.

“Neil. Come here.” There’s at least five feet between them now. 

Neil shakes his head. “I can’t.” He looked like he was in pain just thinking about moving. “I’m not even supposed to be standing but sitting hurt too much.”

Andrew sees red, his fists clench. “Who?” He’s going to kill them. He’s going to slaughter whoever did this.

“Andrew…” Neil shakes his head again, and Andrew almost snaps at him, but Neil’s legs are shaking, and Andrew recognizes the plea for help, and he quickly moves to Neil’s side and helps him to the bed. Despite the agony of the motion, Neil sits, dragging in short, scattered breaths until he can find a way to move past the pain. Andrew stands next to him, waiting, hand on the back of Neil’s neck. “There were a lot of them,” Neil says at last. “More than six, I think. Had to be. Four of them held Kevin back, made him… made him watch.” Neil’s choking on his words but he doesn’t stop. “I tried to fight them off but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even scream, I…”

“Neil,” Andrew’s voice is steady despite the anger he feels and the hard way Neil’s hands are shaking, “who did this.” It’s not even a question anymore; it’s a threat. Neil points at the phone on the end of the bed. Andrew grabs it and opens it. On the home screen, a message from a blocked number reads  _‘Back off or next time it will be worse.’_

“It’s from Ichirou,” Neil chokes out, looking up to meet Andrew’s furious gaze. “And the warning is for you, not me.”


	2. Chapter 2

Neil is out of the hospital that night. It turned out to be Wymack that brought Neil his clothes after Kevin called him. Andrew makes Kevin ride back with Wymack because he doesn’t trust anyone else in the car with Neil. Neil begins to object, but Andrew cuts a glare at him. “This isn’t for your sake,” he says, and Neil drops it.

By the time they get back to the dorms, everyone has been called, everyone knows that Neil and Kevin were in the hospital, but no one knows why. The whole team is waiting out in the hallway for them, but Neil can’t even manage to look at them, and Andrew cuts off any attempts at conversation. He locks the door behind them and looks at Neil, and looks and looks and looks.

“What?” Neil finally asks, exhausted and stressed and just wanting to go to sleep despite the fact that it’s already early morning. It’s a Saturday, though, so at least he doesn’t have to worry about practice or classes. He feels a sudden spike of guilt for being the reason the whole team is awake before six on a Saturday morning.

Andrew seems to struggle for a moment. “What do you need from me?” The words sound strange coming from Andrew’s mouth. Andrew offering help, offering anything and everything that Neil would or could ask for.

This, thought Neil, is the only thing that could ever pull a reaction like that out of Andrew.

Neil manages a sideways nod towards the door. “Tell them, please,” he says. “Or tell Kevin to tell them, if you don’t want to leave. If Kevin can’t tell them then tell Coach to. I can’t. I… I can’t.”

“You don’t have to,” Andrew says. After a moment he continues. “You need sleep.”

Neil nods and waits for Andrew to help him before they make their way slowly to the bedroom. Neil looks up at his loft, at the ladder to the top, and he’s wondering how he could manage to get up there when Andrew tugs his sleeve. Neil looks at him, blinking stupidly.

“Let me see you,” Andrew says. Neil had never heard him closer to saying please. “All of you.”

Neil’s too tired to argue, but he’s too tired to undress himself, too, and he just holds his arms out towards Andrew and let’s Andrew pull his clothes from his body. For the first time that Neil can remember, Andrew is gentle. Neil realizes that Andrew is actually present, in the moment, focusing and caring, and Neil wishes it hadn’t taken something like this to get through to him.

Now standing naked in front of Andrew, Neil looks away, unable to meet Andrew’s gaze. But Andrew doesn’t need him to. He steps forward, reaches out, but his fingertips stop a breath away from Neil’s chest. “Yes or no?” he whispers.

Neil has to find his voice before he can respond. “Yes.”

Andrew touches him with just his fingertips, tracing bruises, marking a perimeter around the large section of abraded skin. He finds the bruises on Neil’s neck, on his biceps, traces his fingers down to his hips. There are two large bruises on the backs of his thighs from the weight of knees. Andrew touches them, too, as if he can wipe them away by sheer force of will.

Suddenly Andrew’s fingers are gone, and the room is heavy with silence. Neil’s heart pounds, hammering in his chest. His breathing picks up, and this is not okay because it’s _Andrew_ but Neil can’t see him but his body can feel a presence and is just reacting on its own.

“Neil.” And Andrew is there, right there, right in front of him, one hand on the back of Neil’s neck, the other resting on his jaw. “Neil, look at me. Breathe.” Neil does. He breathes, and he looks at Andrew, and he notices the slow way Andrew is breathing and tries to match it.

“I’m fine,” Neil says, but he’s not, he’s really not, and he can admit that to himself, but it’s such a knee-jerk reaction that it slips out before he can stop it.

Andrew doesn’t comment on it. “How many?” he asks instead, still close to Neil, still holding on.

“What do you mean? I told you, back at the hospital –”

“For you specifically.” Andrew’s voice is flat now, having waded into water too deep.

Neil’s eyes widen a moment, fear shivering through him. He shakes his head, and Andrew tightens his hold on the back of his neck. “I don’t know,” he whispers.

“More than one.” It’s not a question.

“More than three. I don’t… I lost track. I stopped thinking. I…” His hands are shaking, his cheek and chest are burning, every bruise feels fresh even through the painkillers. His heart is threatening to break through his ribs and he can’t catch his breath.

Andrew pushes him down to his knees and gets as close to him as he can while still giving Neil space to bend forward. “Stop,” he says, and he has become solid once more. He has turned back into Neil’s rock.

Neil makes a strangled sound and presses his head against Andrew’s chest.

Andrew lets him.


	3. Chapter 3

Andrew has to shut down, he has to stop thinking. Neil is hurt because of him. This happened because of him, because Ichirou thinks that Andrew is ruining an investment. He’s going to kill Ichirou. He makes that promise to himself, and like all of his promises he will keep it, but right now he needs to deal with Neil. He needs to help him, because no one else is going to know how.

He considers going to Bee for a moment, but quickly discards that; Neil would never talk to her.

Somehow he manages to get Neil into boxers and then into Andrew’s bed. Andrew wants his own back to the wall, not the room, but Kevin knows better than to come in here today, and honestly Andrew probably won’t sleep anyway.

He doesn’t ask if he can, but he slides into bed with Neil. Neil relaxes, like Andrew knew he would.

“Sleep,” Andrew commands, because if he makes it sound easy then it becomes easy. Andrew promises, Neil trusts, and everything is simple.

This is not simple. Andrew rolls onto his back before Neil falls asleep so that he won’t move later and disrupt Neil’s sleep. Andrew takes his phone out of his pocket and turns it to silent. He holds it while he listens to Neil’s breathing, which eventually tapers off into something slow and smooth and deep.

Andrew texts Wymack. _‘He wants you to tell them.’_

Wymack must have been waiting with his phone in hand, because his reply is nearly instant. _‘I don’t even know what happened.’_

_‘Kevin didn’t tell you?’_

_‘He hasn’t said a word.’_

Andrew hums, thinking about that for a moment but moving on. Kevin isn’t his problem right now.

_‘Neil was raped. Repeatedly. Kevin was forced to watch. It was Ichirou’s doing and a message to me. I’d rather you didn’t tell them the last part.’_

Wymack takes a lot longer to reply this time. _‘Fuck.’_ Then, _‘Alright, I’ll tell them a censored version.’_

_‘No. Tell them the truth. It will be worse for Neil if they don’t know exactly what happened.’_

_‘Fuck, Andrew.’_

_‘Trust me.’_

There isn’t a reply for ten minutes, so Andrew pockets his phone again and stares at the bottom of Neil’s bunk above him.

He’s thinking of creative ways to kill the men responsible for this when Neil jerks awake and slams back into the wall. Andrew doesn’t even wait two seconds before he rolls over. Neil’s startling wide blue eyes lock immediately with Andrew’s. Neil is breathing too fast, but Andrew doesn’t reach out. Andrew knows this process, and he is patient.

First comes the recognition that his back is against a cold stone wall, not the heat of another body. Then there’s the acknowledgement that someone familiar and not involved in the trauma is in front of him. Then slowly the room comes into focus, the smells, the mattress. Andrew watches Neil gather his surroundings in steps, and with each new piece comes marginally slower breathing.

Neil slumps against the mattress and rolls onto his stomach. Andrew is careful not to touch him. “You only slept three hours.” Andrew watches, waiting for a reaction from that. “Go back to sleep. You’re going to be a zombie if you don’t.”

Neil shakes his head and struggles to push himself up, but he manages to prop himself on a hip. There’s a wince of pain but nothing more. “I’m fine. I’ll make it until tonight, and I’ll go to bed early.” He narrows his eyes briefly at Andrew. “You stayed awake for three hours? Staring at the bottom of my bed?”

Andrew is unimpressed by Neil’s attempts at directing attention away from himself, and he answers Neil’s question with a blank stare. Finally, he rolls out of bed. Neil follows slowly, and though his legs wobble initially, he catches himself and straightens. Andrew can see the pain only because he’s lived it.

“Can you get dressed on your own?”

Neil is about to nod, Andrew can see it, but at the last moment Neil shakes his head. “No. I’d rather not try.”

Andrew nods. He wonders what has broken in Neil to shove some of that stubbornness away. He wonders if they will be able to fix it.

“Wymack told the others,” Andrew says as he helps Neil into sweatpants and a loose t-shirt. Neil nods and Andrew continues as he leads Neil to the kitchen. “You can go see them or hide in here for today. Your call.” Andrew had never wanted company, but he hadn’t had a choice, either. Neil has a choice and Andrew knows he will choose company. Maybe the rest of the Foxes will be good for him.

Andrew helps Neil take his painkillers and starts working on breakfast. He makes Neil tea, not coffee, and Neil doesn't object.

“I’ll go see them after breakfast.”

Andrew nods, accepting the matter as settled. “I’m not tolerating bullshit,” he says after a moment, and Neil looks up at him in confusion. Andrew purses his lips and looks away; he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. “If Jack can’t keep his tongue in check, I will cut it from his mouth.”

He goes back to preparing breakfast and wonders if this is going to become a problem.


	4. Chapter 4

Someone must have been thinking ahead, because when Neil walks into Matt, Nicky, and Aaron’s room with Andrew on his heels, none of the freshmen are present. It’s just Neil’s family, everyone who knows him and cares for him and understands where his boundaries are.

Dan looks furious, Matt looks like he might be sick. Renee spares Neil a small smile before focusing on Andrew, worry dancing across her features. Aaron is letting Nicky lean on him, and Nicky seems close to crying. Allison’s face is unreadable, but her shoulders are tense. Kevin is notably absent.

No one moves until Andrew shuts and locks the door, and then Dan is on her feet and walking forward. To his own surprise, Neil leans into the protective hug she wraps him in. He brings up his own arms and hooks them around her waist, and then his hands clench in her shirt and hold her tightly, and she’s whispering softly to him.

Neil starts shaking. He’s relieved and he’s safe, and just knowing that is enough to make his throat burn with unwanted tears. Neil hears shuffling as the other Foxes get up and approach, and before long Neil is in the center of his family, surrounded by everyone that he loves, everyone that he would die to protect. He wishes Andrew would have let in enough people to have found comfort in the team.

_"Would it kill you to let something in?"_

_"It almost did last time."_

Neil flinches against Dan’s shoulder and she colds him tighter. It hurts but it’s worth it.

Neil is the first to relax his hold and take a step back, because he knows Dan won’t leave until Neil is ready for her to. Everyone shifts around to a place where Neil can see them, and he wonders if Andrew told them to not get behind him. He glances back at Andrew as if he can take that answer from him, but Andrew just meets his gaze steadily and comes to stand beside him.

It is silent for only a moment before Nicky says, “Drinks,” and moves towards the kitchenette.

“It’s not even ten in the morning yet,” Neil says, and though his voice is rougher than normal and not quite as loud, the fact that he’s speaking at all seems to relax everyone else.

“I was going for hot chocolate and coffee, but alcohol might be a good idea,” Nicky calls back.

“Are you okay, Neil?” Renee’s voice is soft and gentle, and her gaze is steady on him.

Neil doesn’t know how to answer. She wouldn’t have asked if she had thought that the answer was obvious, so maybe she wasn’t talking about how much he hurt or how he hadn’t even managed three hours of sleep without a nightmare.

“I’ll get there,” Neil responds, thinking that it’s the best he can do at the moment. He feels worse than when he came back from Evermore, worse than after Lola’s torture and his confrontation with his father. He doesn’t even trust Andrew at his back right now.

They end up sitting down as Nicky brings out the drinks. Neil is in the corner of the sofa and Andrew is right beside him, as close as he can be without touching. Andrew takes a sip of Neil’s coffee first, and Neil thinks he might be making sure there isn’t any alcohol. Neil accepts the mug when it’s handed to him and gives Andrew an odd look.

Allison starts the conversation, and it’s not about Exy, and it’s not about Neil, so Neil doesn’t involve himself with it and instead sinks back into the cushions with his coffee between his hands. He feels Andrew’s eyes on him, but neither of them say anything. Both of them know that Neil is weary of having so many people in the room, but content to listen to everyone talking.

Dan decides on ordering pizza for lunch and no one protests. Neil doesn’t want to move, but he would if Andrew asked him to.

It isn’t until they’re done with lunch and comfortably talking amongst themselves – Allison and Renee want to go shopping in Columbia, and they’re trying to convince Matt to take them; Nicky is talking to Dan about his last phone call with Erik – when Kevin walks through the door. Wymack and Abby are behind him.

The room goes quiet and Neil finds himself once more the center of attention. He looks to Kevin but Kevin looks away. Neil knows that they’re going to have to talk about it, at the very least about the message from Ichirou and what it means, but he’s happy to avoid it for now.

Abby’s hand presses against her mouth. “Oh, Neil.” She looks about to step forward, and Andrew stiffens beside Neil. Abby stops, maybe remembering Baltimore, remembering how Andrew wouldn’t let anyone near them.

Neil takes a moment to appreciate that Andrew is permitting this gathering at all.

“I’m fine,” Neil says with a soft smile that pulls at the abrasion on his cheek and pinches a bruise on the other.

Andrew pinches Neil’s wrist, and Neil jerks his arm away, shooting a glare at Andrew, who is looking at a point across the room.

Neil turns to Wymack. “You’re going to have to bench me.”

No one in the room moves. Neil can feel their shock. He is openly letting himself get benched. He’s not putting up a fight.

But this is different than the last times, because this isn’t just a potential to pull a couple stitches and bleed a little. This is Neil not wanting anyone standing behind him, Neil not wanting to be on a locked court with angry players, and the last thing he wants is to fuck up their seasonal standings because he ends up having a panic attack in the middle of the court.

“I know,” Wymack says. “How long?”

Neil shrugs.

“At least a week,” Andrew says for him, his eyes flickering briefly to Wymack’s. “I’ll let you know if it needs to be longer.”

Neil notices Matt and Dan exchanging looks, and Aaron looks back and forth between Neil and Andrew, but Neil doesn’t challenge Andrew, so no one else does, either.

Wymack nods and nudges Kevin further into the room. “Didn’t mean to break up the party. Just wanted to check in. And to remind you all to please not do anything stupid this weekend.” He looks to Andrew again. “I’d rather you didn’t go to Columbia.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“Good. Carry on, then.” Wymack takes Abby with him when he leaves.

Nicky turns to Kevin. “Do you want some coffee?”

Kevin shakes his head but disappears into the kitchen anyway. He returns with a bottle of vodka.

Neil looks to Andrew, waiting for him to comment, but Andrew just returns Neil’s gaze.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyyy my body decided to get me suddenly sick last night, so I'm going to post this now so that I don't like... fall asleep and forget about it

Andrew takes Neil away from Matt’s room as the day winds to a close. Supper had been brought over by Abby and Wymack, supposedly on Abby’s dime. Nicky and Matt picked out movies for them and everyone watched and Kevin drank himself into oblivion.

Andrew stops in the living room, guiding Neil to the wall and holding him there until Neil shifts his weight and props himself against it. “Stay here.” Neil nods and Andrew returns to Matt’s room for Kevin. Dragging Kevin away from the liquor is the most challenging part. After that it is a simple matter of guiding Kevin’s wobbly steps past the kitchenette and into the bedroom. Andrew lets gravity get Kevin into bed.

When Andrew returns to the living room, Neil is still standing, and he is staring at Andrew. Neil looks like he is waiting for something, and it bothers Andrew that he doesn’t know what to give him.

“What’s the pain level?” Andrew asks, stepping forward and leaning his shoulder against the wall a few inches away.

Neil shrugs like it doesn’t matter. “How bad’s a ten?”

Andrew blinks. “Baltimore.”

Neil flinches but he nods, getting the message. “Peaked now at a six. Maybe a seven.”

Satisfied with the honesty, Andrew goes to the kitchen and fills a glass with water and dumps painkillers into his palm. “Take these,” he says upon his return, and Neil does. “To bed, then.”

Neil follows Andrew to the kitchen and waits for him to set the glass down. Andrew checks that he locked the door and then turns off the living room lights, making his way back to Neil through the partial darkness. Helping Neil walk means touching, but if it’s the only thing that he can do to make this easier for Neil, then Andrew will gladly give it.

“You’re showering in the morning,” Andrew says, voice low so as not to wake Kevin, but he’s not too concerned about that. Kevin won’t wake up until late tomorrow morning, most likely only after being dragged onto the floor and left there.

“Do I smell?” Neil asks, grinning at Andrew.

“Shut up and get into bed.”

Neil hesitates again by the ladder, and Andrew waits for him to glance back at Andrew for permission before sliding once more into Andrew’s bed. Andrew’s back will be to the room again, but his scars are older. Neil’s wounds are fresh, and he needs the wall more right now.

Andrew gets into bed and faces Neil. He doesn’t want there to be another nightmare tonight but he knows better than to hope against it.

“Thank you,” Neil whispers. Andrew tips his head to the side. Neil clarifies, “For staying with me.”

There are so many things left unspoken in those words that Andrew doesn’t even know where to start. “You’re the martyr,” he reminds Neil as he closes his eyes. “Don’t make me out to be something I’m not.” He can’t see him, but Andrew is positive that Neil smiles at that.

Andrew is jerked awake several hours later when Neil slams back against the wall, and he has barely a second to open his eyes and get his bearings before Neil starts screaming. Reacting on instinct and not thinking about how traumatizing this might be, Andrew clamps his hand over Neil’s mouth.

Neil jerks and brings his fist up. Andrew twists and lets it hit his shoulder, then grabs Neil’s wrist and pins it. Neil kicks out, thrashing, and Andrew hooks his leg around Neil’s. He pushes himself just enough above Neil to be able to pin him down.

“Neil,” he says, voice rough and low. He gets in front of Neil’s face, waiting for Neil’s eyes to find his own. In the darkness they are barely a hair’s breadth apart, but they need to be this close to see each other. “Neil, stop screaming.” Beneath his hand, Neil’s mouth closes.

Carefully, Andrew takes his hand away, resting it on Neil’s cheek instead. Neil flinches, and Andrew jerks it back, remembering the abrasion. “It’s okay. Neil, look at me. Look at me. It’s okay. It’s just me. You’re safe, alright? I promise. It’s just me here.” Andrew doesn’t know how to reassure, but repetition and affirmation are grounding. Bee taught him that.

He lowers himself back to the mattress, releasing Neil in stages. He’s about to take his last hand away when Neil grabs his wrist. Andrew lets him have it. Neil is shaking so hard; Andrew’s never seen him like this, and he doesn’t like it.

Sliding closer, Andrew can hear how soft and small Neil’s breaths are. “Jesus, Neil,” he whispers, taking his wrist from Neil’s grasp and sliding his fingers through Neil’s hair. “Can I hold you?” This isn’t what he does, this isn’t who he is, but the words are out before he can think about how many of his own rules he’s breaking.

There’s no vocal answer from Neil, but he nods, and Andrew cups his hand around the back of Neil’s head and pulls him close. Neil doesn’t hold Andrew in return, maybe conscious enough to know that there are already so many lines being blurred and crossed that there is no use pushing for more. But Andrew holds up to his request and hooks an arm loosely behind Neil to keep him close.

Pressed up against Andrew’s chest, Neil falls apart. Andrew grimaces, remembering the first time this had happened to him, knowing that it never gets better, the pain never goes away. Andrew is motionless as Neil silently sobs and breaks and spends a long, exhausting hour picking up the pieces and putting himself back together.

Exhaustion drags Neil back to sleep.

Behind Andrew, Kevin snores lightly, dead to the world.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not so much angst in this one, so here's a little break before things start going to shit :D

Monday means classes, and Neil isn’t ready to face that yet. But Andrew doesn’t give him a choice. Neil showers alone Monday morning and dresses himself. Moving the wrong way still hurts, and his abrasions have turned into dull aches, but at least he doesn’t need to lean on Andrew anymore when he walks.

Andrew is waiting for him in the kitchen. He must have skipped going to the gym with the others today, and Wymack must have let him.

“Matt is going to take you to Physics, Allison can walk you from there to Spanish, Nicky will take you to Western Civ., and I’ll catch you coming out of there and walk you back here.”

Neil blinks at the list Andrew just spilled out for him. He’s less surprised than he thought he might be at the fact that Andrew knows Neil’s schedule enough to coordinate it with the other team members. “Why?” he asks, reaching around Andrew to pour himself some coffee. He checks the time. Matt should be back by now. Showering, maybe. Neil figures he has a few minutes.

Andrew gives him a droll stare. “Because you don’t want to walk alone in a crowd.”

“How – never mind.” He doesn’t want to think about how Andrew knows that Neil’s biggest fear today isn’t showing his bruises, but being alone in a throng of students.

_What if his attackers are students here?_

The thought kicks the air from his lungs and he almost drops his coffee. Andrew takes the mug from him and gets in his face. “What? Talk to me.” Andrew is present again, giving a damn about the current moment. Neil has never seen him care about something so much. Andrew seems desperate to fix something that Neil doesn’t think is broken.

“I…” Neil can’t seem to form words. Andrew’s hand is a heavy, welcome pressure on the back of his neck.

“Focus.”

“I just had the thought… what if the people who did this are students here?”

Andrew flicks his fingers and backs away. “I thought about that already.” He points at Neil’s coffee and then moves to sit on the counter.

“And?” Neil prompts, rooted to the spot.

“They obviously are,” Andrew says, voice steady. Neil rocks back, panic trying to kick up in his chest. “Convenience would place them as students. Children of people Ichirou owns, or just assholes willing to do anything for money. They’d have to be strong to hold down Kevin, then again it took four of them.” Andrew shrugs, but his eyes are heavy and dark. “They won’t be finishing the semester.”

Neil shivers at the promise in those words. Andrew has already thought of this and narrowed down potential suspects. Andrew has an endgame, and Neil has Andrew’s protection. The honesty should have terrified Neil more, but it calmed him.

Matt knocks at the door a few seconds after Neil finishes his coffee, and Andrew goes to let him in. Matt is grinning when Neil comes into view. “Ready to go?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

“Don’t worry,” Matt says, but he is addressing Andrew, “I’ll take care of him.”

Andrew locks the door behind them. “You have no choice.”

Sent reeling by those words, Neil mutely follows the other two men to the elevator and out the door. Andrew goes left, Matt and Neil curve right.

“What did he mean?” Neil asks, glancing up at Matt once Andrew is out of earshot.

Matt shrugs casually. “Oh you know. The usual doom and gloom. ‘Don’t let my boyfriend get hurt or I’ll end you.’ I’m not hurt over it.”

Neil goes silent for a moment. “Did he actually call me his boyfriend?”

Matt laughs and slings his arm over Neil’s shoulders. Neil doesn’t miss how Matt doesn’t answer him, but he doesn’t know what to make of it.

They hit the swarm of people after passing the next building, and Neil shrinks against Matt’s side, suddenly very glad for the arm around him. If Matt notices, he doesn’t comment, just keeps walking and guiding Neil forward.

Outside of Neil’s classroom, Matt turns to him, casual smile still in place. Bone-deep concern is impossible to hide, though, and Neil sees it etched across Matt’s face. “Wait here for Allison, remember. She’s got class a floor above you so hang out here against the wall until she shows up. Just nod and promise me you will, because Andrew has knives and I value my balls.”

Neil’s eyebrows shoot up. “He didn’t.”

The cringe that flits across Matt’s face is answer enough.

“Jesus. Alright. I’ll wait for Allison, and I’ll talk to Andrew later. Don’t worry about me.”

Matt’s smile is no longer very bright. “This is the third time in less than two years that you’ve been hurt. I always worry about you.”

Before Neil can say anything, Matt ruffles Neil’s hair and leaves him alone in the hallway.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you must all really love dying...

As promised, Andrew is waiting for Neil when he gets out of Western Civilizations. They leave the building together, and Andrew is more than content to stay silent. He’s tense as he pushes through the crowd, not wanting to be touched and not wanting anyone to touch Neil. Thankfully his glares keep most people away.

“You know,” Neil says when they are free of the crowd and nearly back to the dorm, “you don’t have to threaten Matt to get him to walk me to class. I’m not going to break.”

Andrew chooses not to say anything to that, knowing that Neil will not like his reply. He doesn’t speak at all until they are alone in the room. “Jack and Sheena are going to be at practice tonight.”

Neil gives him a confused look. “They always are.”

Obviously Neil isn’t catching on, so Andrew walks into the kitchen to get something to drink. There is a beer in the fridge, the last one. As he cracks it open, he scribbles a note for Nicky to go get more and sticks it to the fridge door.

“Hey.”

Andrew turns, watching Neil walk up to him. There are signs of exhaustion along his body, but he’s walking without a limp. Knowing Neil, he is making himself do that. Andrew grabs Neil’s painkillers and holds them out to him. He ignores Neil’s sigh and watches intently until he swallows them.

“You could stay here, you know. You don’t have to go to practice.”

“I’m co-captain. Of course I have to go.”

“Junkie.”

Neil doesn’t argue him this time. He shifts on his feet instead, his fingers moving at his sides, making fists and then tapping against his thighs.

“Your nervous habits are annoying.”

“Kiss me?”

Startled for a moment, Andrew freezes and shoots a sharp look at Neil. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t ask that.”

The frustrated sound Neil makes is just this side of grating. “Why not?”

“Because three days ago you were raped,” Andrew snarls, setting his beer down on the counter before walking up to Neil. “Three days ago you were walking back to the dorms with Kevin and you were attacked and pushed to the ground and raped more than three times. You are not emotionally ready for a kiss. Don’t,” he doesn’t let Neil interrupt him. “Even if you think you are, you are not. Ask again when you’ve stopped limping.”

He leaves Neil in the kitchen and takes his beer with him to the living room.

It takes Neil almost five minutes to follow, sitting down on the sofa with more than a foot between them.

Everything is silent. They have over an hour to kill before practice. Kevin is due back any minute now. Neil is picking at his armbands, either looking for something to say or trying to hide whatever emotion he’s feeling.

“You are,” Andrew says, breaking the silence. He’s openly staring at Neil now, and Neil looks up with a furrowed brow. “You are breakable.”

Something in Neil’s expression softens, and Andrew doesn’t want it. He finishes his beer and goes to throw away the can. Unwilling to go back and sit down, he marches into the bedroom. Neil follows as expected and shuts the door behind them.

Neil’s voice is hesitant when he says, “I can take care of myself, Andrew.”

Andrew turns and grabs Neil’s shoulders, shoving him back against the door with a loud thud. Neil’s hands encircle Andrew’s wrists and grip him; Andrew digs his fingers into the bruises he knows are hiding beneath Neil’s shirt.

“The last time you promised me that,” Andrew says, voice hard and flat, “you almost died.” He shoves Neil again and the door rattles. “You told me that you could handle yourself and fix your own problems, and I let you. And I almost _lost_ you.” He hates that he’s reacting this way, and he’s angry at himself for being angry. It’s taking everything he has not to hit Neil for being so dense.

True to form, it takes Neil way too long to figure out what Andrew is talking about. “Andrew –”

“ _Don’t_. Don’t tell me that this is different. It’s _not_.”

“It is!” Neil is reacting now, the first real emotion other than fear that Andrew has seen out of him in days. “It is different. I’m not playing the ‘martyr’ or whatever. I didn’t choose to let this happen. I’m not pretending to be okay.”

“Bullshit,” Andrew snarls, needing a rise out of Neil, needing to feel him out.

“I’m not,” Neil retaliates, his grip tightening on Andrew’s wrists. “I’m not pretending to be okay. I’m _not_ okay. But I’m still functioning and I still know my limits and when I say that I’m okay kissing then I mean it.”

“Good,” Andrew says, and pulls him down, crushing their lips together. There’s anger burning between them, and Andrew’s hands are still hard on Neil’s shoulders; Neil’s hands have moved to Andrew’s hair and are gripping it tight enough to hurt.

Neil kisses like Andrew is his air, and Andrew tries to be that for him. He bites and sucks on Neil’s tongue and presses their lips hard against teeth. He doesn’t pull away until the door tries to push inward.

“For fuck’s sake, guys,” Kevin says from the other side.

Neil laughs and bends down to press his face into Andrew’s shoulder. There’s something hysterical to the sound, but Andrew lets it pass by his concern. Neil is healing, and that’s all that matters.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's your daily dose of pain! 
> 
> also, I mean, there are warnings for the fic as a whole, and if you're reading it you're probably able to handle this, but I feel like I should tell all of you that this is just a smidge more graphic than what has been previously read. like it's not detailed, but... yeah I just wanted to let you all know.
> 
> that said, happy crying!

Neil knew that practice was going to be a shit show, but what he had prepared for and what he got were two very different things.

He walks through the door with Andrew beside him, Kevin, Aaron, and Nicky in front of them. Most of the others are already inside, but Allison and Renee are three minutes behind Andrew’s group.

Wymack claps his hands together to get everyone’s attention. “Kevin promised to put you all through some pretty fancy footwork today, and I expect every single one of you to put in your best effort. Josten, grab your notepad. I want you taking notes on who needs to improve and where.” Coach waits a moment before he flaps his hands at them. “Go on, then.”

The team splits up between the locker rooms, Neil following the other men in because he keeps his notepad shoved under his gear in the bottom of his locker. Jack is the only one talking, but he doesn’t seem to be talking to anyone in particular. Neil does his best to ignore the freshman and enters the combination of his lock and then reaches for his notepad.

Jack is getting louder, and Neil just wants out of the locker room, but he forces himself not to rush, forces himself to close and lock his locker. He makes it a couple steps before Jack’s words finally find their way past Neil’s defenses.

“– just because pretty boy’s a little hurt?”

Neil doesn’t know what Jack had been talking about and he doesn’t care. He freezes, breath catching, blood rushing through his ears as he stares blankly at Jack. _Pretty boy, pretty boy._

_“You’re such a pretty little thing for an Exy player.”_

Andrew looks to Neil, but Neil barely sees him. He barely notices when Andrew rounds on Jack and punches him twice in quick succession – once to throw him off balance, and a second time to keep him down. He has a knife out before anyone else can react, and then Aaron grabs him and Kevin stands in front of him. Matt grabs Jack by the arm and drags him out of the room.

Neil doesn’t register any of it.

_“Too bad someone scarred your pretty face. Still have those lips, though, and those eyes, don’t you pretty boy?”_

Neil can’t breathe. He falls to his knees, clutching at his chest as he tries to drag in air. There’s a shout and Neil flinches, and then another and he folds in on himself. Covering his face with his hands, Neil rocks forward. The weight on the back of his neck is forceful and solid.

“Stop it.”

_“Stop struggling, pretty boy. It’ll just hurt more.”_

There’s a scream building in the back of his throat that he tries desperately to hold back. But he can’t stop his fingers turning to claws against his face and dragging down his cheeks.

_“Are those pretty eyes of yours open? Wouldn’t want you to miss anything.”_

_“I bet those pretty lips of yours would look real nice wrapped around my cock.”_

He will rip them off.

“Neil. Neil!” His wrists are grabbed and yanked away. His body reacts by lashing out, but someone pushes and follows him down, holding his wrists in one hand and peeling his eyelid open with the other. “ _Look at me_ , idiot.”

There is panic in that voice. Neil blinks his eyes open, and he’s snagged immediately in a hazel stare that he can’t look away from. Panic is still consuming him, eating him raw.

 _“You’re mine, pretty boy._ ”

“Make it stop,” Neil rasps, his throat burning with the scream he wouldn’t let out.

Andrew pulls Neil up into a sitting position, and Neil lets Andrew keep his wrists locked in a tight grasp. His breath is still too fast, but it’s deep enough for it to count as breathing.

Blood is trickling down Neil’s cheek.

Andrew grabs Neil’s chin and Neil follows the motion. “Look at me. If I’m here that means you’re safe, right? No one’s going to hurt you anymore, Neil. No, I mean it. Look at me.” His grip tightens. “Neil Abram Josten. You belong to me. Do you remember what that means?”

Andrew’s words are nearly the same possessive _you’re mine_ , but the meaning and emotion behind them is so, so different. Neil nods.

“What does it mean?”

Neil’s eyes close and he lets Andrew’s voice wash over him. “It means,” Neil whispers, “that I’m under your protection.”

“Damn right. That means protecting you from yourself, too.” The panic is gone from Andrew’s voice, and Neil is almost convinced that he imagined it there.

“I kept waiting,” he says, opening his eyes to look at Andrew, who is not fully changed out and who is missing practice. “That night, I… I kept waiting for you to show up.”

Andrew blinks at him. “That is an unreasonable accusation.”

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” Neil says, and he can feel his heart begin to slow. His breaths start to become easier. “I’m just telling you. That was what… that was what got me through it. I held on because I was waiting for you. I thought that at any second you were going to walk around the corner and get me out of there. I just had to hold on long enough, just had to wait one more minute, one more hot breath on the back of my neck, one more voice telling me how pretty I am, one more painful shove….”

He closes his eyes and pulls out of Andrew’s hold. Neil has never heard the locker room so quiet.

“Why are you telling me this?” Andrew’s voice is carefully, carefully flat.

Neil takes a moment to make sure the words come out right. “Because even the thought of you can keep me alive.” And even though he is not steady enough to move, he grabs his notepad and pushes to his feet, leaving Andrew behind in the locker room to finish changing out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just finished chapter 12, so here's another chapter for you guys ^_^

Jack is running laps by the time Andrew makes it to the court. Neil is perched on the bench, which has to be uncomfortable, but he is Neil, and Neil is stubborn. Andrew looks at him as he passes, and Neil turns to him. There is dried blood on Neil’s cheek. He only managed to rip open the abrasion instead of making new scars with his fingernails. A small victory. Things could have been much worse.

Their eyes meet. Neil is getting better at masking his emotions, because there is no sign of his breakdown in his eyes.

Andrew isn’t so sure that his own eyes are as blank.

“Minyard, take a couple laps and get in there with the team,” Wymack says, not really looking at Andrew.

“Did you bench him?” Andrew asks, his eyes following Jack around the court. He will have a black eye and a split lip, but he is not dead. Unfortunately.

“I almost kicked him off the team.”

Andrew takes that as a yes and starts his laps. He’s not thinking about running, though. He’s thinking about the hollow look in Neil’s eyes when Neil told Andrew that he had been waiting for him. He thinks about the violent way Neil reacted to his panic. He thinks about killing Jack, damn the consequences. But mostly he thinks about Neil’s blind faith in Andrew, and he wonders, for the first time, if he deserves it.

What has he done to be worthy of Neil Josten?

Practice is half over by the time Andrew gets in with the rest of the team, but he dutifully picks up the drills that Kevin is taking them through. A lot of them are familiar from the late night practices, but Andrew isn’t thinking about them regardless.

After everyone is dripping sweat, Dan takes them through some stretches and then shoos them off to the showers. Neil stays at the bench, continuing to scribble in his notepad, following up on a thought he had before he forgets it.

No one speaks to Jack in the locker rooms. No one even looks at him, and though it isn’t what Andrew thinks to be a fitting punishment, he is still satisfied with it.

Neil and Wymack and Abby are waiting for them in the lounge. Neil is sitting in his usual spot on the sofa, notepad on his lap. Andrew drops down beside him and lets their thighs touch. Neil doesn’t move away.

Wymack doesn’t say anything, just gestures at Neil to speak. Neil does. He is firm but not unkind with his criticisms. He always has at least two good things to say about everyone, no matter how many faults and areas for improvement there are.

Neil praises the freshmen for advancing so quickly, and Andrew watches as all but Jack and Sheena try to hide their smiles. Andrew knows what Neil is doing, and he is surprised Neil is capable of this type of emotional manipulation. Start with a compliment, and any critique that follows, no matter how harsh, will just sound like constructive criticism.

There is even a comment for Kevin, which everyone seems surprised at. “You’ve started to lose your right side,” Neil says, and Kevin’s natural frown deepens. He doesn’t interrupt, though, so Neil continues. “Since you’ve switched back to playing with your left hand, you’ve been largely ignoring your right. From the outside, it looks like you’ve forgotten that it’s there.”

Kevin studies Neil for a moment. “You want me to start practicing with my right hand again.” It didn’t have to be a question.

“I do.” Neil nods. “Not only would it keep you from this,” he waves his hand in the air towards Kevin’s right arm, “but it would also give you a large advantage on the field. Basketball players need to be able to dribble with both hands so that they can keep the ball away from defense. You would have an easier time of it if you could switch your grip halfway through a play.”

Andrew glances back at Kevin, and there’s a light in his eyes that says he is very interested in Neil’s suggestion. For some reason Andrew is glad. Neil deserves something good today.

Wymack holds Neil back after dismissing the team. Andrew tells the others to wait in the car and he stays as well. He’s going to keep his promise to Neil this time, and he will not let Neil back out of it.

Coach sits down in a chair and groans, scrubbing his face. “Josten, care to tell me what happened in the locker room? Should you be pressing charges on the kid, or what?”

Andrew is a barrier between Neil and Wymack. Andrew trusts the coach, but he knows that Neil has always been leery of him, even if it is just because of his age.

It takes a while, but Neil shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I don’t really know what happened. I mean, I _do_ …” Frustration is clear in his voice, and Andrew presses his thigh harder against Neil’s. Neil takes a breath. “He said something that… that _they_ said when I was…”

 _Shit_.

“…raped.”

 _“…one more voice telling me how pretty I am…”_ Andrew had missed that. Neil said it, and Andrew missed it because he had been reeling from the onslaught of honesty and trust. All he’d known at the time was that Jack said something that triggered Neil, and Jack needed to go. But the freshman had said a lot, and Andrew hadn’t been able to pin it down.

 _Shit._ He wishes he had been faster with his knife.

Wymack leans forward, his thoughts apparently on par with Andrew’s. “You think he might have been one of the attackers?”

Neil is trembling. He just made a major leap in saying “rape” out loud, but now really isn’t the time for him to be processing that. Andrew needs to know before his fury lashes out. He grabs Neil’s chin and makes him look at Andrew. “Neil,” he says, and his voice is enough.

Still staring at Andrew, Neil says, “I don’t know. It’s possible, but anything’s possible. It was dark and I don’t remember anything. I don’t even remember Kevin being there because I looked away from him when I figured out what was going on.” He swallows. “I don’t know. I can’t even remember their voices clearly.”

Andrew waits to see if Neil will continue. When he doesn’t, Andrew heaves a sigh and lets Neil go. He can’t kill a man based on a maybe. But he could sure as hell be an asshole to Jack. He is done standing aside to let Neil pick his own battles with the freshman.

Wymack clears his throat and Andrew gives him a bored look. At the questioning raise of Wymack’s eyebrows, Andrew lifts a shoulder in a shrug. “Innocent until proven guilty.”

Seemingly satisfied with that answer, Wymack stands. “Alright. Go back to the dorms and get some sleep. You are not allowed to be late for practice again tomorrow, you understand?”

Andrew taps two fingers to his temple in a mock salute and helps Neil to his feet.

Neil leaves his notepad in the lounge.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a little fluff at the end guys! power through the pain!

By the time they get to the dorm, Neil is closed off. He doesn’t want to talk about anything, he just wants to curl up in his bed and stop thinking. Andrew shuts the car off and leads the way inside. Neil goes last, so he sees when Andrew keeps taking the stairs up towards the roof, and there is a moment where Neil considers not going after him, but he drops the thought as soon as it occurs.

Andrew is already seated by the time Neil approaches, and he takes the offered cigarette and lights it. He has to cup his hand around the cherry to keep the wind from burning it down too fast.

“I want to play another round,” Andrew says, flicking ash over the edge. Neil stiffens, but Andrew doesn’t wait for him. “I was raped by four separate foster brothers. One of them was really into choking.”

Neil freezes. He has no idea how to even begin responding to that. He fights to keep his jaw from dropping, manages to keep himself from telling Andrew that that is horrible and that he is sorry Andrew had to go through that. Andrew wasn’t looking for pity when he said it. He was getting a harsh truth out of the way, so that Neil has no choice but to respond with one of his own.

Andrew asks, “How many were there?” before Neil even has time to really compartmentalize what he had just been told.

Neil wavers. “How did you know?”

“That you remember? Because it’s a trauma, and during traumas our minds either shut down or they store a perfect copy of everything in a hard drive. You’ve lived through too many traumas that you needed to remember for you to start blocking shit out now.”

Pulling a knee up, Neil rests his chin on it and taps ash from his cigarette. “There were five.”

“In a row?”

Neil nods. “I kind of stopped feeling it at some point. It hurt. It _hurts_. But it was really overwhelming and I just went numb after a while.”

Andrew purses his lips. “They checked you for STDs, right?”

“Yeah. HIV came back clear. Friday is the earliest I’ll know about the others.”

“Good.”

Silence settles over them for a moment. Neil thinks of a question to ask Andrew, but he doesn’t know yet how deep he feels like digging into Andrew’s personal life. He holds his cigarette up to his face and watches the embers glow. “When are you going after Proust?”

The lack of reaction from Andrew could have meant any number of things. “What did you think I was doing when I spent that weekend alone in Columbia?”

Neil jolts, turning to fully face Andrew. “You killed him?”

Andrew grimaces and puts out his cigarette. He reaches for another, and Neil watches as he lights it and takes a long drag. “No,” Andrew finally says, leaning back and supporting himself with his free hand. “Ichirou was cleaning up his loose ends, remember? Proust was a loose end.”

The wind almost carries away the bitterness in Andrew’s tone.

There is nothing to say to that, so Neil reaches for another cigarette and lights it with the last embers of his current one. He flicks the butt over the edge of the roof. “It’s your turn,” he says.

“I am aware.” Andrew is studying Neil as if he can find a perfect question buried somewhere in his skin. He sits forward, setting his forearms on his knees. “What’s off limits now?”

Their questions don’t have limits, so Neil knows that Andrew is talking about something else. It takes him a few minutes to realize that Andrew is talking about Neil’s body.

“Oh.” Neil hasn’t really thought about it. “Limits” and “Andrew” don’t really fit together in the same thought. He shakes out his hand and blows out a heavy breath. “Well, I mean, obviously…” he gestures, and Andrew nods to show his understanding. “I don’t want to do anything until I get the results back. I don’t want to put you at risk.”

“Life is a risk.”

“I’m not going to make it riskier.” Neil eyes Andrew for a moment. “Don’t… don’t call me pretty.” He shudders, making a fist tight enough to dig his fingernails into his palm. “I don’t know what else.” Slowly, he relaxes his fist. “There are things that might be problematic, but I mean… it’s you, so it might be fine.”

“Don’t assume things will be fine. If you’re so determined for this to always be a yes, tell me everything.”

Neil isn’t sure how fair this is, since Andrew has never told Neil where all of _his_ problem areas are. Then again, Andrew’s whole body seems to be a problem area.

“One of them…”

_“You’re mine, pretty boy.”_

Neil pinches his eyes shut, trying to focus on breathing because one panic attack today was plenty. He can feel himself shaking, and he drops his cigarette to press his face into his hands.

Fingers wrap around his wrists, far gentler than earlier. Very, very slowly, a weight settles onto Neil’s thighs. The loose circle of fingers around his wrists never try to pull Neil’s hands away from his face, and Neil takes another moment before he lowers his hands to his sides. He opens his eyes and finds Andrew Minyard, renowned soulless asshole, sitting carefully in Neil’s lap and looking down at him with an unmasked intensity.

“You are not there,” Andrew says, and he reaches up to trace his fingers around a bruise on Neil’s cheekbone, and then down the scratches Neil had given himself. “You are here with me, less than a foot away from a two story fall.” He drags his thumb over Neil’s lower lip, pulling it down into a pout before releasing it.

Neil nods, his brain still stuck on the fact that Andrew is sitting in his lap. It is a very difficult thing to think past.

“What did they do to you?” Andrew’s prompting voice is not soft; Neil doesn’t think that would be possible. But Andrew is not sharp with him either. There is a patience in his eyes that turns into understanding the longer Neil looks at him.

“One of them,” he clears his throat, “one of them wouldn’t stop touching my hair, petting it, pulling it, pushing my head down.” Neil starts shaking. “Another kept dragging his nails down my back. He scratched ‘mine’ into my skin so many times I thought it would be permanent.” Even he can hear how hollow his voice has become.

Andrew doesn’t comment, nor does he push Neil to continue when there is obviously more to say.

Neil can’t stop replaying the events, his eyes unfocused, staring at a spot past Andrew’s arm. “All of them held me down. Most of them managed on their own. You saw the bruises.” The backs of his thighs, his biceps, his shoulder blades, his neck, his hips. “One of them wasn’t strong enough, and the others helped keep me down. They kept touching themselves and touching me and… they were _laughing_. They were having fun.”

Neil feels like he might be sick, but Andrew cups his hand around the back of Neil’s neck and pulls him forward. Neil isn’t sure how long they sit like that, Andrew a comforting weight on Neil’s thighs, Neil’s forehead on Andrew’s shoulder, but when they do finally move, Neil’s joints are stiff.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT SAD!!!! NOT A SAD CHAPTER!!!! ALSO ALLISON!!!!
> 
> it's pretty short though but there needed to be a break from the angst. i needed it. Neil needed it. everyone needed it

Tuesday brings two classes, and three escorts from team members. Allison grabs Neil from his last class and declares, “We’re going shopping,” before they’ve even taken a step.

“Can I drop my bag off first?” Neil asks, and after narrowing her eyes at him, she lifts an indifferent shoulder. Neil texts Andrew to let him know where he’s going, and after his bag has been discarded in his room, Neil follows Allison to her car. “What are we shopping for?”

Allison closes her door and starts the car. She pulls on a pair of sunglasses before turning to appraise him. “The Christmas banquet, obviously. Renee would have come along but she has tutoring sessions, and Dan is just re-wearing her dress from last year. _Boring_. I’m buying myself a new dress, and you a decent suit.”

Neil goes silent for a moment as Allison pulls out of the parking lot. “You know,” he eventually says over the rush of air around them, “if you had told me that I was getting something too, I would have brought my own money.”

“That’s why I didn’t tell you,” Allison says pleasantly, and then turns on the radio and blasts it.

Neil can’t help his smile. Nicky had called Allison a “catty bitch” and he wasn’t wrong, but Neil likes Allison for her honesty and her bluntness, and for the way she obviously cares about her team.

The drive to Columbia passes without anymore speaking. Neil is happy to just listen to the music and watch the world fly past them. They stop at a dress shop first, and it’s nearly deserted. Allison shuts off the convertible and gets out, so Neil followers her inside.

Allison brushes off the lady who approaches them and leads Neil towards the back of the shop. “So,” she says, looking at a short green dress, “what do you know about colors?”

Neil blinks. “Their names?”

Allison sighs as if Neil’s ignorance is a physical burden. “You’re about to learn.”

For the next hour, Allison teaches Neil colors and shades and how to match them. She teaches him what colors look best with certain skin tones, using their teammates as examples. As she picks out dresses and hands them off for him to carry, she quizzes him until she is satisfied that he is actually retaining things.

“Alright,” she says finally, once an employee has relieved Neil of the dresses and taken them to a changing room. “You sit, and tell me which ones you like. We’ll make a pile of yeses and a pile of nos, and… no, we don’t have time for maybes.” With that, she disappears into the changing room.

Neil honestly doesn’t know what to think or how to judge Allison’s appearance in the dresses. He doesn’t want to sound rude, so he tries saying something nice about every dress, but eventually Allison sighs and tells him to be honest. He doesn’t really know whether or not Allison looks “hot” in any of the dresses, but he quickly figures out which cuts look better aesthetically on her figure. Eventually, Allison buys Neil’s favorite – a long powder blue halter dress with a slit up the side to her thigh. “Now I just need a date,” she says, and drags Neil out of the store.

She carries the dress – carefully hung inside of a bag – with them as they walk to the adjacent men’s wear store.

Neil stops inside the store. “Allison…”

“Don’t argue with me. I said I was buying you a suit, and I meant it. You’ll wear it to the Christmas banquet, and if it still fits you can wear it next year to both the fall and Christmas banquets. You are too attractive to be wearing an off-the-rack suit.”

And there ends the argument, which is how Neil winds up standing on a pedestal getting measured for a bespoke suit.

“Why are you doing this?” Neil asks as he’s handed a pile of shirts his size so that Allison can pick out a color for him.

Allison looks down at him. “You went through something shitty. And despite that you’re alive and you put on a brave face and show up to practice. You’re nice to the freshmen that deserve it. You let Dan hug you despite what had happened to you the night before. You spent the day with us when you were exhausted and would have rather been alone. You deserve good things, Neil. And if the only way that I know how to show my affection is by spending money, then so be it. Now go try on those shirts. I want to see all of them.”

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Neil enters the dressing room. He doubts that he will ever figure out what he had done to deserve the Foxes, but he knows that they are his family and he is theirs, and that is something that he will die to keep.

He shows Allison each shirt, and some of them she can easily say no to, and others take her longer to decide on. They narrow it down to two, and neither of them can decide on a favorite. “Fuck it, I’ll get both. Where the red one to the Christmas banquet and the purple one at the fall banquet next year or if you go out on a date with a certain blond midget.”

She starts to take them to the front of the store to pay for them and his suit – which will be finished and ready for pick up within three weeks – when he reaches out and catches hold of her elbow. She raises her eyebrows in a soft question.

“I just want to say thank you,” Neil says softly, and Allison’s beaming smile lets him know that it was the right thing to say.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more not sad!!!! I don't want to call it happy bc it's not, but it isn't sad, so I mean...

Andrew makes Neil sit down at his desk after practice and do his homework. Neil complains and Andrew ignores him. Kevin went home with Wymack, so Andrew locks the door and goes into the bedroom to perch on the windowsill and smoke.

Neil had been happy after going out with Allison. The happiness wasn’t even near his normal levels of joy around the team, but it was still noticeable. Andrew had spent all of practice unfocused and bitter, worrying about Neil being alone in the lounge watching old games and taking notes, angry at himself for caring.

Why does he care? What does it matter to him if Neil had a panic attack while he was alone in the lounge? Andrew tries to think of anyone else that he would give a shit about in the same situation, and he comes up empty. So why is Neil so important?

He flicks the butt of his cigarette from the window and goes back to the living room. The line of Neil’s shoulders is tense, but the noise he makes is frustrated, not anxious. Andrew goes back to the kitchen for a beer and a bag of caramel popcorn and then seats himself in a bean bag and turns on the TV.

“Really?” Neil is looking at Andrew over his shoulder.

Andrew turns the TV up and ignores him.

Neil goes back to his homework and Andrew cracks open his beer and starts eating the popcorn.

It only takes five minutes for Neil to get up, turn the TV off, and stand in front of Andrew. Casually, Andrew leans back and blinks up at Neil. “I was watching that.”

“Were you?”

Andrew hears the challenge but doesn’t respond, and Neil gets angry enough to make up for it.

“What?” he snaps, glaring down at Andrew. “What is your problem? I haven’t see you at all today and then as soon as I do see you, you put in your best effort to ignore me.” Andrew stares at him, unblinking, and watches as Neil lowers himself to his knees. “What did I do?”

Oh no, no, no. That’s cheating. Neil’s self-hate always wins his battles against Andrew, and Andrew _hates_ it.

He turns away and sets his beer and the popcorn aside, trying to come up with something to say that would actually make sense out loud.

“Is this because I went to Columbia without you?” There is a pause, and Andrew resists turning to look. “Oh,” Neil says finally, softly, a revelation gifted to him. Andrew doesn’t want it. He _doesn’t_.

“Andrew.” Neil shifts closer. Andrew turns to him. “Yes or no?”

At some point Neil started using that. Andrew doesn’t remember when it started. He doesn’t remember when Neil first decided to make the first move instead of Andrew. He remembers that it felt like coming home, which was a strange sensation to him, having never had a home. He remembers a brush of Neil’s thumb behind Andrew’s ear, and he remembers his own thigh pressed between Neil’s legs. But there’s no date attached, no timestamp, no place.

Andrew blinks. “Yes.”

Neil is slow to lean forward, and Andrew can see the hesitancy in every line of Neil’s body. They are at a point of mutual understanding; both of them know exactly what consent means and why it’s so important. Neil’s hesitancy is for both of them, and it makes Andrew hate it less.

The weight of Neil’s hands on the bean bag are heavy enough that Andrew flicks a glance at them. Neil stops. “Still yes?”

“Still yes,” Andrew replies, looking back up at Neil’s wide blue eyes that finally have a small light in them after so many days of being dull and flat and so very lifeless.

Neil tips his head down, and first their foreheads touch, and then their noses, and their breaths mingle and Andrew is going to crawl out of his skin with how slow and hesitant it is. But he waits. Neil initiated, Neil needs to follow through.

And he does. Neil presses their lips together and Andrew tips his head up to get a better angle. He parts his lips when Neil does, and the soft noise Neil makes is something brand new. Andrew instantly fixates on it, desperate to hear it again. He slides his hands under Neil’s shirt up his stomach, and when Neil’s breath hitches Andrew takes advantage and bites Neil’s lip, using that grip to tug him back into a kiss.

Still not getting what he wants, Andrew takes his hands away and then crosses his arms behind Neil’s head and neck, pulling him closer, almost off balance. Neil catches himself and grunts something that could have been annoyance. Andrew hisses something back, but it gets lost against Neil’s tongue.

Andrew stops kissing in order to breathe, but he doesn’t pull away and he doesn’t let Neil pull away either. “You are a menace,” Andrew says softly, and Neil grins against his lips.

“You don’t have to be jealous of Allison, Andrew.”

“I’m not jealous.”

Neil nips Andrew’s lips. “Liar.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> doing this now because I'm starting homework and idk how long it's going to take me
> 
> this is also the last Not Sad chapter for quite a while... I'm planning solid angst for at least like... seven chapters after this. Not sorry at all

The rest of the week passed too fast. Neil for the most part stopped having nightmares. Andrew had reclaimed the wall, but Neil still shared his bed. On Friday was their game against Breckenridge, and Andrew completely shut out the goal. Final score was 6-1 Fox’s favor. Despite the fact that he hadn’t been involved in it, Neil couldn’t have been happier.

They get back to the dorms and Neil detours to his mailbox before heading upstairs. He hasn’t checked the box since he joined the Foxes, but today is the first day that their might be something in there. Sure enough, a thin white envelope sits at the bottom, and Neil quickly snatches it out.

He’s about to rip it open when Andrew’s hand settles over the top of his own. Andrew holds Neil’s gaze when he looks up, and he follows when Andrew turns and leads the way up to their room. The envelope feels like lead in his hands. His stomach has dropped and his heart is pounding. Neil thinks he might be sick.

Nicky and Aaron and Kevin are all sitting in front of the TV. As Neil and Andrew walk past, Aaron throws a chip at Nicky’s face. “Hey!” he cries out indignantly before turning his attention to Andrew. “Can we go to Columbia tonight?”

Andrew holds up a finger and continues walking. Neil follows.

“I don’t want to be able to hear you guys!” Nicky calls after them.

Neil flinches and is glad his back is to Nicky.

Aaron says, “Honestly, Nicky, enough with the gay shit.”

Andrew shuts the bedroom door and cuts off the rest of the conversation. He tugs Neil’s wrist, leading him away from the door and to Andrew’s bed. Neil situates himself at the foot of the bed and Andrew shoves the pillows aside and sits at the head. He looks at Neil expectantly.

Neil had been so eager to rip it open downstairs, just wanting to get it over with, but now he can’t. What if he tested positive for something? What would that do to his relationship with Andrew? Would Andrew stop liking him? Would Andrew leave him?

He swallows down his panic. He’s supposed to be getting better. The team thinks he’s moving past everything. He is certainly putting on a brave face.

Neil tosses the envelope at Andrew, who lets it land in his lap. “I can’t,” Neil says, shaking his head slowly. “I can’t.”

Andrew narrows his eyes for a moment as if making sure that Neil is sure, and then he rips the envelope open and pulls out the single folded sheet of paper. Neil watches Andrew’s eyes slowly move across the page as Andrew reads each word carefully. It seems to take forever, but eventually Andrew hands the paper over with a, “Congratulations.”

Neil just skims the single column that is nothing but a line of “clear.”

“Oh, thank god.” Neil drops his head back against a step of the ladder. A weight on his shoulders is gone. He’s disease free. He won’t be putting Andrew at risk of anything.

Two quick hard knocks at the bedroom door make Neil flinch hard, and a second later Nicky walks into the room. “Okay, seriously though, are we –. What’s going on in here? And what’s with Neil’s face? No offense, Neil,” Nicky says quickly.

Neil waves Nicky off while Andrew replies, “Neil just found out he’s not going to die prematurely of an STD.” Neil shoots a sharp glare at Andrew, who looks back at him indifferently.

Nicky takes a moment to realize what Andrew said and to piece together the open envelope and folded paper in the center of the bed. “Oh! That’s fantastic news!” Nicky runs over and wraps Neil in a hug.

Neil doesn’t have time to feel suffocated or for his body to freeze in fear before Nicky pulls away and turns to Andrew. “We have to go celebrate now. Come on, even if we don’t stop at Sweetie’s. I’m sure Roland misses us.”

Andrew doesn’t acknowledge Nicky, but he turns to Neil with a questioning look. Neil doesn’t want to go. He really doesn’t. There will be people at his back and shoved in around him, and drunk people are stupid people. But Nicky wants to go, and no one goes unless everyone can go. Neil is part of the family, so if he stays, everyone stays.

Hating himself and his stupid decisions, Neil shrugs. “I don’t care.”

Andrew stares at him a moment longer before turning to Nicky. “Get your shoes on. I want a smoke first.”

Nicky leaves and starts yelling at Aaron and Kevin to move their asses before the bedroom door is even shut.

Shaking his head, Andrew slides from the bed and takes the envelope and piece of paper with him to the window. Neil follows, watching as Andrew lights two cigarettes and hands one to Neil, then hands him the paper and the lighter.

“A man can only have so many problems,” he says, and Neil knows those words. Andrew said them as he gave Neil a key to Andrew’s car. He said them when he promised Neil a home and a life and someone who gave a shit about him and who would hold him up when he felt like falling.

Still, Neil stares at the paper as he holds the cigarette between his lips, not dragging on it but just letting it rest there. “It feels like validation,” he says softly around the cigarette. “Like it’s proof that I survived.”

Andrew grabs Neil’s chin, and Neil drags his eyes upward until they meet Andrew’s. “You are proof that you survived,” he says. Neil isn’t so sure he has, though. A part of him died in the alley a week ago, and he just hasn’t decided yet how large of a part it was. “Neil.” Andrew must have seen Neil’s doubt. “You survived. They will not.”

There is a promise in those words. Andrew has promised Neil so many things in the past week, and Neil has offered nothing in return. He wonders when Andrew will ask him to pay up.

Andrew releases Neil, and Neil burns the paper and lets it fall from the window to the sidewalk below.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to hell!!!

By the time they get to Columbia, Sweetie’s is closed, so Andrew drives them straight to Eden’s Twilight and parks at the curb. “Stay,” he says to Neil, grabbing Neil’s wrist as he’s going for the door.

“Why?”

“Do you really want to be in there without me to keep people away from you?”

Neil grimaces and concedes to Andrew’s point, relaxing against the seat again. Nicky returns a moment later and passes the parking sticker through the window. “We’ll see if we can snag a table,” Nicky says before walking away.

Without a word, Andrew pulls away.

It isn’t until they’re out of the car that Neil starts showing his nerves. Andrew watches Neil fight with himself to keep moving forward. It’s obvious to Andrew that Neil isn’t ready to be here, but he’s going to let Neil figure that out and deal with it in his own time. If Neil is going to pretend that he’s fine, Andrew is going to let him.

Neil folds his arms across his stomach as they walk, as if trying to hold himself together. “Andrew,” he says softly.

Andrew moves closer, walking near enough to Neil that their arms are touching. Neil leans against him, the weight on Andrew’s arm sudden and constant. Andrew pushes back, and a muscle in Neil’s shoulder relaxes. Andrew understands – Neil was just looking for support.

The club is absolutely packed, and they barely make it ten feet in the door before Andrew can feel Neil’s panic in his slight shaking, his heavy breaths. Andrew grabs Neil’s shirt and drags him through the crowd, finding a wall and shoving Neil against it. “Stop it,” he says, pushing his splayed hand hard against Neil’s chest. In his pocket, Andrew’s phone buzzes, but he ignores it in favor of keeping his eyes on Neil.

With a solid wall behind him and no one but Andrew touching him, Neil starts breathing again. Andrew lets go, and is almost immediately shoved from behind. He spins, ready to punch or stab or kill whoever just touched him, but Neil grabs his arm and pulls him back.

“You promised not to leave me,” Neil says.

Andrew shudders, trying to erase the unwanted touch from his memory. He doesn’t tell Neil to release him, and Neil holds on until Andrew pulls away.

Neil is the first one to spot the others seated at a table. Andrew catches Aaron’s eye and nods once before guiding Neil to the bar. Andrew waits patiently while Roland finishes up helping some other customers.

Andrew’s phone buzzes again, and he continues to ignore it.

Roland smiles as he walks up. “You guys keep disappearing on us. It gets a little lonely without you all around.” Andrew shrugs and watches Roland, wondering why he hasn’t started getting the drinks ready yet. Roland turns to Neil, and his expression becomes more serious. “I know sorry is inadequate, but I’m really sorry to hear what happened. How are you holding up?”

Andrew freezes, and beside him Neil chokes. “What?” Neil manages, his eyes widening.

“Roland,” Andrew says, and his voice is dangerous.

“Hey, hey, easy.” Roland holds up his hands, placating. “I thought it was supposed to be out. A news station ran the story like an hour ago. I just thought that it hadn’t been released earlier because you didn’t want to be hounded by the press at the game.”

Andrew grabs Neil’s hand just as Neil is bracing himself to run. “Don’t you dare,” Andrew snarls at him before turning his attention back to Roland. “Exactly what did they say?”

Maybe realizing just how serious this was, Roland lost every ounce of energy in his body. “That late last Friday, Kevin and Neil were attacked walking back to the dorms and that Neil was –”

“Don’t say it,” Andrew cut in. Neil was jerking against Andrew’s hand, and Andrew tightened his grip. Barely keeping his anger in check, Andrew said, “I’ll send Nicky up for the drinks,” and turned from the bar, dragging Neil with him.

They stopped at the table. “Nicky, get the drinks.”

Still sober, everyone at the table sat up straighter, surprised by this deviation. “What’s going on?” Nicky asked, looking between Andrew and Neil. “Why does Neil look like he’s about to be sick?”

“Probably because he is,” Andrew replied, his phone buzzed again, and he heard Nicky’s text alert over the music. “Check your phone. It’s probably Wymack. He’ll explain it.”

“Andrew…” Neil really did sound like he was going to be sick, so Andrew spun around and shoved a path through the crowd to the door.

“Wait,” Andrew commanded, guiding Neil towards the alley beside the club. As soon as Andrew let him go, Neil bent double and braced his arm against the wall and heaved, but he had nothing to throw up.

Andrew moved to stand between Neil and the mouth of the alley, acting as a barrier for Neil as Andrew pulled out his phone and dialed the coach.

“What the fuck happened?” He hasn’t lost any of his rage, and his hand curls, tightening into a white-knuckled fist.

Wymack doesn’t waste words chastising Andrew for not answering his phone earlier. Andrew won’t be able to forgive himself of that for a long time. “I’m trying to figure that out. I’ve contacted everyone that I know, but the news station said that it was an anonymous tip.”

“They trusted an anonymous source?”

“There was proof.”

“Proof?”

Neil has stopped retching, and he sags against the brick, watching Andrew with an unfocused gaze.

Wymack seems to find strength enough to say the word, “Photos.”

There is just enough restraint in Andrew to keep him from punching the wall. “Are you _fucking_ kidding me?” He’s not yelling, but his tone is murderous. “They didn’t release them.”

“God, no, but… the news station isn’t giving them up yet, either. Palmetto’s lawyer is, as far as I know, still in the middle of a very lengthy discussion with the news station’s lawyer.”

Neil is still silent in front of Andrew.

“Where are you?” Wymack asks.

“Columbia.”

The coach makes a noise on the other end of the line. “Alright, I’m trying to keep the press off the campus. This is… where would they have gotten…?”

“Obviously someone likes to kiss and tell,” Andrew says, and then hangs up.


	15. Chapter 15

“Neil look at me.”

There is nothing that Neil wants more than to disappear into himself, except maybe to run. Yes, run. He wants to run. Fuck, he _needs_ to run. He tenses to move, eyes not even fully focused yet, but he doesn’t need his eyes to run, he just needs his legs and his lungs and he can leave everything else behind.

A hand closes around his throat and slams him back against a wall. Air leaves his lungs in a hard rush and he blinks, eyes wide and wild until they find Andrew.

“Calm down. Right now. You are not allowed to run. Do you understand me?”

Neil nods, and Andrew narrows his eyes. “I understand,” Neil says, his Adam’s apple bobbing against the pressure of Andrew’s hand.

Andrew releases him and Neil loses an inch against the wall, his knees weak and not wanting to support him. Neil sucks in deep breaths, desperate for them to be steadier. “We should go back inside.” He doesn’t particularly want to go back inside, but they can’t just leave the others here, and Neil refuses to ruin their nights by dragging them away from the drinks. Kevin is most likely already very drunk.

Andrew watches Neil, and Neil watches back. Finally Andrew says, “Alright,” and leads the way back inside. Neil can see Andrew’s anger, but Andrew isn’t exactly trying to hide it.

Everything inside the club feels too slow. Neil thinks that everyone is looking at him; he can feel their eyes, just like he can feel the target Ichirou painted on the back of his head. Everyone is looking at him. Everyone knows.

Neil is sitting at the table before he realizes, and Andrew slides a drink in front of him. Neil tosses it back and doesn’t taste it. He looks around at the table. Kevin is gone. Aaron is making his way to the bar. Nicky is nursing a colorful drink, looking like a complete mess.

“I’m so sorry, Neil,” Nicky says when he catches Neil looking at him.

Neil is starting to figure out why Andrew isn’t such a big fan of that word. _Sorry_. Everyone is sorry but no one understands. Andrew understands to a point, but not this. Neil has been exploited, and he doesn’t know by whom. He’s shaking, and part of it is from fear, and part of it is from anger.

Resting his forehead on the table, Neil wraps his arms behind his head and tries to calm down.

“Where did Kevin go?” Andrew asks, sounding bored, but Neil doubts that Andrew has forgotten his anger that fast.

“Bathroom. I think he’s throwing up,” Nicky answers.

Neil hears a tray set down on the table, and he looks up to find that Aaron has returned. Without even glancing at him, Aaron sets a shot of vodka and a tumbler with three fingers of whiskey in front of Neil. Not sure if he should thank Aaron or not, Neil tips the vodka back and chases it with a swallow of whiskey.

He’s not sure if he’s going to make it through tonight without something else terrible happening. That’s his life now, right? Just one shitty thing after another, one more horrible thing on top of every other horrible thing.

“Are we spending the night here?” Aaron asks after tipping back a shot.

Neil looks to Andrew, who has quirked an eyebrow. “Of course we are. I don’t see why we should deviate. Besides, Coach said campus is swimming in press right now. Best to keep both star strikers away from that mess until it gets cleared up.” Andrew drinks from his own glass of whiskey. “So go on, get drunk, dance, kiss pretty people. I’ll round you up when it’s time to go.”

That is what they do. Nicky finishes his drink and chases it with a shot, and then he’s gone. Aaron waits a little longer, watching Andrew curiously, and then he disappears too. Kevin doesn’t return to the table, but Neil sees him a little while later at the bar, presumably buying his own drinks.

“They’re all going to feel like hell tomorrow,” Andrew comments, following Neil’s gaze.

“I feel like hell right now,” Neil mutters.

Andrew whips around and stares at Neil. The truth must have caught him off guard. Neil does indeed feel like shit. Total fucking shit.

“How do I fix this?” Neil asks, and he knows exactly how small his voice is, and he knows exactly how close he is to crying. “How… how do I get up from this?” He shoves his fingers in his hair and pulls, and for a moment he feels asphalt against his cheek, against his chest.

Andrew grabs Neil’s chair and pulls him closer. But Andrew doesn’t touch Neil. He just leans in close and growls in his ear, “You grab onto something to stop your heavy ass from falling, and you let me drag you back up.”

Neil drops his hands and turns to look at Andrew, and they are really only a bare inch away from each other. _There_ is the anger that Andrew has been hiding. It’s burning behind his hazel eyes, set solidly in the clenching of his jaw.

“They will not survive this,” Andrew says with venom dripping. Despite that, Neil hears what Andrew didn’t say.

The men who raped Neil won’t survive, but Neil will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm making a note that Andrew calls Neil "heavy" one other time in the series, and that's in The Raven King when he says, "Oh, Neil. You are far too heavy to tread ice this thin." 
> 
> idk I just thought I should mention that


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good morning! happy angst! the story is starting to slowly turn into something interesting

It’s pushing two in the morning when Andrew guides everyone into the house. He tells Neil to shower, and Neil obediently walks off to do so. Andrew is supporting Kevin, and he drops him onto the couch when he can, taking a moment to pull off his shoes and to grab a bucket and set it nearby just in case. Aaron is already gone when Andrew turns around, and Nicky is slowly making his way into his bedroom.

Andrew locks the front door and takes off his shoes before walking down the hall to the bathroom. He knocks. “Neil?”

“I’m alright.” Neil’s voice is steady enough.

“Come upstairs when you’re done.” Andrew leaves when Neil grunts in response. Andrew cleans up in the bathroom upstairs, which doesn’t have a shower, but soap and a washcloth is good enough. He doesn’t want to smell like the club tonight. He doesn’t want to feel the press of bodies or the sticky sensation of dried alcohol on his skin.

Neil comes up wrapped in a towel, with another hanging over his shoulders to cover his chest. “I didn’t want to put them back on,” Neil says, and Andrew knows what he means.

Andrew points at the dresser. “Shirts are on top. Underwear in the bottom. Pajama bottoms are in the bottom too if you want them.”

Neil closes the door behind him and moves to pull on Andrew’s clothes. Neil and Andrew are close enough in size that the clothes fit comfortably. Andrew turns on the lamp by the bed and crawls in to lay by the wall. Neil shuts off the main lights and follows.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Neil says as he lays down. “I don’t even know how I feel about it yet.”

Andrew knows the tension in Neil’s shoulders, and he knows most of all the look in Neil’s eyes. Gone is the flicker of light Neil had after his shopping trip with Allison. Andrew misses it. This is not Neil, this is Neil’s shell.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Andrew says, situating himself on the bed. “Get the light, would you?”

Obediently, Neil rolls over and clicks off the lamp.

The room falls to complete darkness, and Andrew lays still, his eyes closed, but he is unable to fall asleep. Neil’s breathing evens out within minutes, however, and Andrew is glad for that. He seethes in silence, letting his rage roll over him again and again. He wants to sleep and knows that he should, but he can’t stop thinking about killing every last man who touched Neil. He can’t stop imagining Ichirou’s face after Andrew guts him.

Neil shifts on the bed and whimpers, which pulls Andrew out of his own head. His eyes have adjusted to the darkness; the small amount of light creeping around the edges of the curtains illuminate the space just enough to see. Neil is on his side facing away from Andrew, and he’s curled up on himself, shaking. Neil whimpers again, and Andrew thinks he can make out words this time, but he isn’t sure.

What he is sure of is that Neil is not awake.

“Neil,” he says, voice soft, hoping that Neil is close enough to the surface of sleep that he won’t have to touch him. Andrew knows a nightmare when he sees one, and he would rather wake Neil before Neil has to relive anything terrifying.

But Neil only curls tighter and whimpers once more. This time Andrew has no doubts about what Neil is saying. “I’m sorry,” Neil whines.

“Neil,” Andrew tries again, a little louder. He doesn’t want to touch Neil, not yet.

“Andrew,” Neil says, and for a moment Andrew is hopeful that Neil is awake, but that hope dies at Neil’s next words. “I’m so sorry, Andrew.”

There is a crushing feeling in Andrew’s chest, and he doesn’t know what it is but he doesn’t like it, and Neil needs to wake up because he’s shaking so hard the bed is moving. Trying to avoid Neil’s back, Andrew touches Neil’s arm instead.

Neil yelps and lashes out, and Andrew just barely manages to block the blow Neil throws at him.

“Stop it. It’s me. Neil, it’s Andrew, you’re safe, stop it.”

Neil drops boneless to the bed and starts sobbing. Andrew is afraid that Neil is too broken to recover. He doesn’t want Neil to change, he wants to get back the old Neil, but he is afraid that the Neil he knew died in the alley, and this is what is left of him, trying to piece himself back together.

Andrew won’t accept that. Neil can shift around his personality and change his name and his hair color, but Andrew will not let him change so much that he disappears.

“Can I turn the light on?” Andrew asks.

“No,” Neil responds, and Andrew takes a moment to appreciate that, once again, Neil knows his limits. It is reassuring for Andrew to hear Neil say no.

“Can I touch you?”

Instead of answering, Neil rolls over to face Andrew and reaches out in the darkness to run his fingers over Andrew’s bare arms. Andrew responds in kind, his fingertips ghosting over Neil’s skin. “Why are you sorry?” he asks.

Neil doesn’t stop moving, but he doesn’t respond right away either. “Because I didn’t want to put you through this,” he says after a long moment. “I knew… I knew that you would help me through it and I knew that it would bring back memories of–” he cuts himself off, and Andrew feels his shudder. “I dragged you into this and he’s hurting you through me, and I’m sorry.”

Andrew wants to tell Neil to not be sorry for that. He wants to tell Neil to shut up and to go back to bed so that Andrew can deal with this when he isn’t angry.

Instead he asks, “Can I kiss you?”

“Please, yes,” Neil responds, and the desperate sound pulls Andrew forward in the dark.

Neil tastes like Andrew’s toothpaste, and Andrew moves closer, and Neil shifts forward. Andrew takes Neil’s hand and sets it on Andrew’s waist, and even while Andrew is shivering, he pushes his fingers through Neil’s hair and grips loosely. Neil’s hand tightens and so does Andrew’s, until Neil is leaving bruises and Andrew is probably pulling out hairs.

They don’t stop kissing, finding each other in the darkness, holding onto something warm and real, causing each other to relive and deal with something terrible in order to heal from it, all within the safety of a heated kiss.

Neil breaks the kiss first with a gasping breath and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

Andrew says, “I know,” and kisses him again.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this is later than normal. i pretty much just woke up

The entire team has congregated in the girls’ room this time, and Neil doesn’t miss the sound of the TV turning off before he steps inside. He tries not to think about the fact that news stations are still running the story, and his panic tastes like bile in the back of his throat, but he shoves it down and looks around the room.

Andrew shuts and locks the door behind him, and Neil can’t help the small flinches he gives at both consecutive noises. Matt catches Neil’s eyes, and Neil is suddenly very aware of the shit storm this event is causing.

“They’re blaming coach, aren’t they?” he asks, and no one comments, but he can see the confirmation in their eyes. He makes a noise in the back of his throat, guilt suddenly consuming him. “It’s not his fault.”

“We all know that,” Matt says. “But this is the third time you’ve been seriously hurt since joining the team. And after what happened in Columbia…”

Matt trails off, and Neil immediately grabs Andrew’s forearm when he feels him tense. Andrew glares at him, but Neil doesn’t care. He’s not going to let Andrew hurt Matt, and he especially isn’t going to let Andrew get more than a foot away from him. Neil is simultaneously numb and a half an inch away from falling into another panic attack. He’s tense and waiting for the next thing to set him off, and he needs Andrew to be there when something finally does.

Neil turns to Allison, who hasn’t stopped watching him since he came through the door. “When should I talk to the press?” he asks, and his voice is smaller than he wants it to be.

Allison looks at Neil for another moment before flicking her eyes to Kevin. “Both of you need to talk to them, together. They know that Kevin was there. You’re going to need to be a united force, because they’re going to try to blame Kevin, and they’re going to try to pit you two against each other.”

“Monday?” Neil asks, thinking they should just get this out of the way.

Kevin makes a sound, and when Neil turns to him, Kevin shakes his head. “Tuesdays are better. I’ll ask Coach to set up a conference, so that it’s not just a bunch of them shoving microphones in our faces. There’s a little more order to a conference, and we’ll be able to give statements and take questions.”

Allison nods. “You’ll be in control of the situation, not them.”

Neil lets go of Andrew’s arm, not needing to hold him back anymore and not needing to grasp it to steady himself. “Alright.”

“I’m surprised they’re all so sure that it happened. The first station is the only one with the pictures, and they’re not sharing,” Lizzy says.

Andrew tenses again beside Neil, and Dan snaps something at the freshman, but Neil has stopped breathing and can’t hear past the blood rushing in his ears. _Pictures_. There were fucking –

Andrew grabs him and shoves him into the hallway. Kevin comes out with them, but Neil isn’t aware and doesn’t care. He’s fighting for breath, wheezing and bent over. Andrew pushes him down and gets in front of him. Neil grabs at Andrew’s arms, nails digging in. He’s falling, spiraling out of control and Andrew has always been the only steady thing around him.

Neil isn’t sure if Andrew is speaking or not, because he can’t hear anything. He knows he’s still not breathing because black spots start dancing in his vision.

Sharp fingernails drag up his back, and Neil manages to make a strangled noise and twist away from the pain, and that’s enough to get him breathing again. He coughs hard and a hand at the back of his neck presses him down again, keeping him level.

“Look at me,” Andrew says when Neil’s breathing is more or less steady. Neil pushes himself up, and he finally notices how badly he’s shaking, how much everything suddenly hurts. His bruises are mostly gone, but he can feel them as if they are still fresh. Andrew snaps his fingers in front of Neil’s face. “I said _look_ at me.”

Neil focuses, and his world narrows down to Andrew. Andrew in front of him, breathing, looking at him with repressed anger that Neil decides to interpret as annoyance, because that can motivate him to get himself under control.

Andrew switches to German. “Are you with me?”

Neil swallows. There’s no annoyance in Andrew’s voice, and his hope of being able to use that emotion to get himself under control fades away. He fights to focus on his words enough to manage German as well. “Do you need me to be?” Neil doesn’t want to be with anyone right now. He wants to be alone. He wants… he doesn’t know. He’s having trouble thinking about anything. His mind is almost painfully blank.

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Andrew says, and the honesty and sincerity in that one sentence floors Neil. He’s shocked enough by it that he blinks and pushes his mind to start slowly working. He notices the alertness in Andrew’s eyes, the intense focus on what’s happening in the present moment.

Andrew needs Neil as much as Neil needs Andrew, and Neil isn’t sure that he can even start to understand exactly what that means.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is immediately following the last chapter, just so you guys know where we are in time

Kevin clears his throat. “Neil, we really need to talk.”

Neil struggles to pull his eyes away from Andrew. He manages, and he starts to get to his feet, but his legs are still shaking too badly. Andrew sighs and pulls Neil down to sit beside him, leaning back against the wall.

After a moment, Neil gestures and Kevin moves to sit across from him. Kevin slides a glance at Andrew before slipping into French. “What are we going to say to the press?”

Neil is getting really tired of using other languages right now. Translating is too much work when he barely has the brain power to think about where he is and what Andrew just confessed to him. He hasn’t compartmentalized anything that has happened in the last forty-eight hours, and he needs to, or it’s going to overwhelm him.

But he makes the effort, because this is unfortunately something that needs to happen. “Are you finally ready to talk to me about what happened?” he asks, rubbing his eyes. He’s exhausted. The three to four hours of sleep he’d managed to pull together last night had not been nearly enough.

Andrew tips over against Neil, and the pressure and warmth of Andrew’s shoulder is enough for the moment to take some of his bitterness and exhaustion away.

Across the hallway, Kevin’s eyes are haunted. “No, I’m not,” he answers. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about it, but I know that we need to.”

Neil wonders if Kevin has talked to anyone about what happened. Kevin has been around Wymack a lot lately, and Neil had assumed that they had talked about it. He supposes that he could be wrong. “What do you remember about it?”

Kevin purses his lips and shoves a hand through his hair. “I remember getting grabbed and pulled into the alley. I remember that everyone was wearing masks or bandanas and hats. They all had their faces covered, and when I tried to rip off one of their masks, they hit me with the hilt of a knife.” Kevin taps his temple. His eyes are unfocused, and Neil tries not to think about the guilt that must be consuming Kevin. Neil has enough guilt of his own. “They made me watch. I told you that. I’m sorry, Neil, I tried to look away, I tried to fight them off. I’m so sorry.”

The frantic tone of Kevin’s voice get’s Andrew’s attention, as do the small flinches Neil gives each time Kevin apologizes. He’s not a fan of the word “sorry” anymore. Neil nudges Andrew with his elbow just to get his attention and then reaches out to touch the tips of his fingers over the back of Andrew’s hand. Andrew doesn’t pull away, but something changes, though Neil can’t decide if it’s Andrew’s breathing or the tension in his body that makes the shift.

Neil doesn’t say that he’s fine, and he doesn’t tell Kevin that it’s alright. Because he isn’t, and it’s not. They both walked out of that situation scarred and damaged and broken. Kevin has Exy to put him back together, and Neil has Andrew. But neither way of coping is perfect.

“How did they get away?” Neil asks, still pushing himself to speak in French. He knows that Kevin doesn’t want Andrew to hear this, or he wouldn’t have spoken in French in the first place. “I was looking to the mouth of the alley, and I remember watching them walk away, but I was pretty… I didn’t really know what was even happening at that point.”

Kevin swallows audibly, and Neil can taste Kevin’s guilt. “They knocked me out. I didn’t even see them leave. When I woke up I called for an ambulance and tried to cover you up. You still hadn’t moved, so I didn’t think it had been very long, but I had to have been unconscious for at least a half hour. I… I sat with you until they took you away at the hospital.”

Neil has never heard Kevin so human, less worried about Exy and more worried about the people around him. “Thank you,” Neil says in English. Beside him, Andrew blinks slowly as if coming alert after zoning out, but Neil knows better. “I’m not going to go into details in my statement, because fuck them. So I don’t expect you to say anything but the bare minimum either.”

Kevin nods.

Down the hall, the door to the stairway opens and Wymack walks in. “Did they kick you out for being depressing?” he asks, stopping close to them.

Andrew looks up at Wymack and narrows his eyes against the ceiling lights. “I’ve seen you in the dorms more in the last week than I have in my entire three years here.”

Wymack raises his eyebrows. “Problem?”

Andrew lifts a shoulder in a shrug but doesn’t comment.

“I just got off the phone with Palmetto’s lawyer. We managed to gain possession of the…” he trails off, looking sharply to Neil and then to Andrew.

“It’s fine Coach,” Neil says, folding his arms around his knees and resting his cheek over them. “I know about the photos.”

“Lizzy ran her mouth again,” Andrew says, and Neil leans over against him again to keep him steady.

“Don’t hurt Lizzy,” Neil murmurs softly, turning to look at Andrew.

There’s a small pause before Wymack says, “Anyway, we possess them now. Apparently the school was trying to press charges but the media is using loopholes to get out of it. You’re a public figure, and technically it happened in public, and they weren’t the ones who took the pictures. So there won’t be any suing, which is too bad, honestly.”

Kevin pushes to his feet. “I need to talk to you,” he says to Wymack.

“Good, and I need to talk to you and the rest of them,” Wymack says, walking to the door and looking down at Andrew and Neil, eyebrows raised expectantly.

“We’re fine out here,” Andrew says without looking at Wymack.

The coach grumbles something but follows Kevin into the room and shuts the door behind him.


	19. Chapter 19

Andrew hadn’t let Neil rejoin the team in the girls’ room, instead dragging him onto the roof to smoke and then taking him back to their room to work on homework and sit in comfortable silence. No one had bothered them, therefore Neil had avoided another panic attack.

It is pushing twelve thirty in the morning now and Kevin walks through the door, too drunk to push himself into practice tonight. Andrew watches as Kevin shuffles into the bedroom and listens as he closes the door and drops into bed.

Andrew stands, snapping his fingers to get Neil’s attention. “Come on.” He hasn’t told Neil where they’re going, but Neil shuts his physics book and gets to his feet. They both pull on sweatshirts and slip into their shoes, and then Andrew leads them downstairs.

There aren’t many students milling around for a Saturday night, and they easily make it to Andrew’s car. Thankfully the reporters had cleared out after darkness set in.

“Where are we going?” Neil asks as Andrew starts the car. Andrew doesn’t respond, pulling out of the lot and taking them down the road to the stadium.

Once they’re inside, Neil just stares at Andrew, and Andrew can feel himself getting annoyed. He doesn’t _want_ Neil to look at him like that. But he also doesn’t want him to ever stop. “Change out, Josten,” he says, leading the way to the locker room and changing into his practice gear. Behind him, he can hear Neil rushing to do the same.

Andrew knows how much this means to Neil, and he hates that he cares. He shouldn’t. He really, really shouldn’t, but he does.

Once they’re on the inner court, Neil takes them through some laps and stretches and then some more laps. Andrew grabs a bucket of balls and follows Neil onto the court. Andrew pokes Neil hard in the chest. “Take it easy. If you do something that I think is even a little too risky or too much, I’ll pull you off the court. If you blow your arms out or pull something or make yourself worse, I will have Coach bench you for the rest of the season.”

But Neil is smiling, and it’s so genuine that Andrew fixates on it for a moment too long. “Andrew, I promise. I’ll be careful,” Neil says as he pulls his helmet on.

Sighing, Andrew does the same and then goes to stand in the goal.

They start easy. Neil lobs the balls towards Andrew and Andrew bounces them back to Neil. They cycle through all of the balls and then Andrew taps his racquet on the ground. “Step it up a notch,” he says, and he can hear Neil’s joyful laugh and it fills him with… something.

Andrew guards the goal for another half hour and then steps away, leaving Neil to do some precision exercises. “Finish up,” Andrew calls over his shoulder as he exits the court. “We’re going to run some stairs.”

Neil looks ready to collapse after they finish running the stadium steps, but he’s grinning and looking at Andrew with as much joy as Neil has ever possessed.

“Fucking junkie,” Andrew mutters and rolls his eyes, leaving Neil to catch up to him in the locker room. Andrew is the first into the showers, and he leaves the door of the stall open in invitation. Neil hesitates as expected, and Andrew turns to look at him. “Come here,” he says. “Let me look at you.” He pushed Neil hard tonight, but Neil needed it and loved it.

“Thank you for tonight,” Neil says as he closes the door behind him and joins Andrew in the shower. Neil doesn’t comment that Andrew is naked, and Andrew only sees acknowledgement of trust in Neil’s eyes.

Andrew hums and looks Neil over, walking a slow circle around him with his hands on his body, pressing against the deeper bruises that still remain. When he is facing Neil’s front again, he stops, his hand cupping the side of Neil’s neck.

“Yes or no?” he asks, backing Neil into the wall.

Andrew watches Neil swallow, watches his pupils expand and consume his irises. “Yes,” Neil says, sliding his fingers into Andrew’s hair, and Andrew leans forward to kiss him.

Neil is happy, and this time he’s happy because of Andrew. Andrew is going to stake his claim on that.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Andrew says against Neil’s mouth.

“Yes,” Neil breathes, and then captures Andrew’s lips and tongue in another kiss.

Sliding his hands up Neil’s chest, Andrew starts slowly mapping Neil out, feeling his scars, the dips and rises of his muscles. He sucks on Neil’s tongue as he circles his thumbs around Neil’s nipples, and Neil makes the sweetest sound.

Neil still hasn’t moved his hands from Andrew’s hair, but when Andrew drags his hands lower, Neil’s fingers tighten and his breath catches against Andrew’s lips.

“Neil?” Andrew pauses, waiting for an answer.

“Yes, yes, Andrew, it’s still yes.”

Andrew growls and bites Neil’s lower lip and then his chin as he takes Neil in hand.

The full-body shudder and the long moan that that motion earns Andrew is enough, fuck, it’s more than enough. Andrew strokes slowly at first, moving his lips to Neil’s neck to find his pulse and keep track of it. Without Andrew’s lips pressed to Neil’s, Neil is not quiet.

For once, Andrew doesn’t mind. He nips at Neil’s skin and Neil whines in barely-muted frustration. Andrew moves his hand faster, twisting on the upstroke, and Neil’s breathy moans fill the shower stall.

“ _Andrew_ ,” Neil gasps, and his knees are shaking and his pulse is racing, and Andrew knows exactly what’s going to happen before it does. He finds Neil’s mouth again and kisses him just as Neil shakes apart, breath stopping as he spills into Andrew’s hand.

Neil breaks from the kiss for breath, but he doesn’t pull away. Andrew waits, patiently, for Neil to find his surroundings again, to realize once more where he is. “Alright?” Andrew asks. He reaches his hand out to let the water rinse it clean.

“Yeah,” Neil breathes, nodding and pulling back just enough that he can blink at Andrew.

“Good, because I want you to get me off.”

Andrew was expecting the blank and then dumbfounded look Neil gives him. He was even expecting Neil’s soft, “Are you sure?” He was not expecting Neil to turn them around and press Andrew back against the shower wall. Andrew hisses at the cold tile, but he pulls Neil closer and kisses him slowly, and the slight tremor in his abdomen abates.

“I’m sure,” Andrew whispers, and he guides Neil’s hand to his abdomen and then lets him go.

Neil has a hand braced against the wall by Andrew’s shoulder, but Andrew doesn’t feel trapped. He knows that if he says no, Neil will stop. He knows that Neil won’t be wounded if Andrew pushes him away, and that is all Andrew could ever need.

Andrew’s breath hitches as Neil’s fingers finally move and drag lower, tracing Andrew’s hips, thumb brushing along sensitive skin. Neil finally takes Andrew into his hand, and Andrew drops his head back and groans.

Thankfully Neil takes the noise as encouragement, and his hand tightens and he starts stroking slowly. Andrew hooks a hand behind Neil’s neck and draws him in for a kiss, needing to focus on something safe. Neil kisses him back and circles his thumb, and Andrew’s thighs shake.

Neil moves his lips to Andrew’s neck and the sound that escapes Andrew is sharp and sudden and low. His abdomen clenches. “Neil,” he whispers, and Neil just parts his lips against Andrew’s neck and hums. Andrew is fully aware of how heavy he’s breathing, how much his hands are shaking, but he’s not telling Neil no. He doesn’t want Neil to stop.

Teeth lightly – probably accidentally – graze Andrew’s skin, and Neil’s hand moves faster, and Andrew is safe, here, with a cold wall against his back and Neil as close as he can be without touching anywhere except where Andrew wants it.

He can’t help the noise he makes or the way his fingers tighten on Neil’s neck when he shutters at his climax. Neil keeps kissing his neck and stroking him through it until Andrew grabs his wrist to make him stop.

Andrew stares at Neil because he has to, because Neil is solid and real. And for some stupid reason, the biggest murder magnet Andrew has ever known is Andrew’s safety net. “I need you,” Andrew says, because he’s raw and open and doesn’t know how to put himself back together. Because it’s easier to say now after already admitting it earlier.

Neil leans in and brushes their lips together. “I need you too,” Neil says. They are both broken, but they kiss until they stop shaking, and maybe that’s enough for now.


	20. Chapter 20

Late Tuesday afternoon, Neil finds himself sitting between Andrew and Kevin at a table in front of a room packed full of cameras, reporters, and journalists. All of the Foxes, including Wymack, are seated at the table. That hadn’t been the initial plan, but after Andrew had refused to leave Neil’s side, the whole team decided to face the press as a united front.

Under the table, Andrew’s knee presses into Neil’s, steadying both of them.

At four o’clock sharp, Wymack calls the room to order and someone closes the doors, though the attempt at keeping more people from entering is pointless – the room is already crowded full. The only open space is the ten foot gap between the first row of reporters and the table where the Foxes sit.

“We are having this conference,” Wymack starts, “to talk about the events that occurred the night of Friday the 15th of October. Neil Josten and Kevin Day have both prepared statements, after that there will be a half hour allotted for questions. Any questions regarding anything even slightly off topic will neither be tolerated nor answered.” With that, Wymack retakes his seat at the end of the table.

The day before, Neil and Kevin sat down to write their statements together to make sure that there was nothing that could be turned against them, and they had agreed that Kevin should go first.

“On Friday, October 15th,” Kevin says, “I asked Neil Josten to stay with me in the stadium after the rest of the team went back to the dorms. We had just lost a game by our largest margin this year, and I wanted to review the recording to find places that we could improve. We left the stadium close to two in the morning to walk back to the dorms. Before we could reach the dorms, we were jumped by a group of men wearing masks and were dragged into an alleyway. I tried to resist and was hit in the head with the hilt of a knife. After that, the knife was held to my throat and I was forced to watch. When it was over, I was hit in the back of the head and I blacked out. By the time I came to, the attackers were gone.”

Neil is jealous of Kevin’s level voice. Kevin has dealt with the press his whole life, but Neil is still green and doesn’t know if he can manage to be so distant.

“I lost track of Kevin Day when we were jumped. For a few moments I thought that we were being separated, but I saw him again when I was pushed down.” Under the table, Andrew’s knee is pressed hard against Neil’s. “I don’t remember a lot of what happened. As soon as I realized that the intent of the men was to rape me, I turned away from Kevin because I couldn’t stand the thought of him being forced to watch. When it was over I remember watching the men walk away, and I remember not being able to move. I don’t recall how much time passed before Kevin came over to me and called the ambulance, but from there we were both taken to the hospital and given medical attention.”

Neil had told Andrew the night before that he would lie to the press about his memory. Andrew had understood.

Neil is shaking, and he pushes his knee back against Andrew’s because that’s all he can do at the moment.

From the end of the table, Wymack says, “Half hour for questions starts now,” and the reporters and journalists all raise their hands and shout to be heard. Wymack points to one.

“Kathy Klein from XWM News. Mr. Day, could you specify how many men attacked you and Mr. Josten?”

Kevin braces his arms on the table to either side of his microphone. “It was difficult to tell in the dark and with all of the commotion, but there were at least eight men involved in the attack, possibly as many as twelve.”

Wymack picked another.

“Mr. Josten, what was the first thought you had after you had received medical attention?”

 _That I needed to call Andrew and apologize._ “I’m not sure that I know where you’re going with the question, but at that point I was still in shock about what had happened.”

The next person stands up. “This question is for both Mr. Day and Mr. Josten. How are you currently dealing with the traumatic experience that you both went through?”

Neil looks at Kevin, and Kevin looks at Neil. Finally Kevin answers, “One day at a time. It’s not any easier to heal when two people get hurt, but there’s a feeling of solidarity in knowing that we can get through it together.”

Another lie, since they’ve barely spoken about what happened, but it is a lie that the press is eating up. Kevin and Neil are a formidable pair on the court, and everyone loves the idea of them being close off the court as well.

“Mr. Josten, when are you planning to start playing again?”

Neil had known that this question was coming, but he had been hoping that it wouldn’t. Ichirou will no doubt watch this at some point to keep tabs on his investments, and Neil doesn’t want to trip up.

“I started practicing with the team again yesterday, but it’s still slow going. Physically I might be able to make it through half of a game right now, but psychologically I know that I can’t. So don’t expect to see me on the court this Friday, but keep an eye out for me next week.”

The half hour of questions passes slowly, dragging on and on and Neil’s skin is itching and he’s jumpy and he just wants out, but in the last few minutes a small woman stands up and holds a recorder towards the table.

“Mr. Josten, there’s already talk circulating in the press and among fans that you’re… how shall I say this? Crying wolf? Certain people seem to think that this is being orchestrated to turn attention back to you. What do you have to say to these rumors?”

Neil feels the floor drop out from underneath him. People accepted his torture by Lola with hardly any backlash or doubt that it was a true story, but this? Neil was raped, and people think he’s just…

Andrew is suddenly moving, and only Wymack’s quick reflexes keep Andrew from jumping the table and attacking the reporter. Andrew had really barely made it out of his seat, but Neil catches the flash of a knife under the table. He sets his hand on Andrew’s arm.

“Mr. Josten?” the reporter prompts.

On the other side of Kevin, Neil can see his teammates stirring and scowling, but they don’t speak. That had been an agreement they had made. Only Kevin and Neil would speak.

Neil turns back to the woman. “It’s not true,” he says, his voice faint. He clears his throat and tries for something stronger. “Rape is not a joke, and it’s not something that I take lightly.”

Someone in the back of the room shouts, “Then why aren’t you pressing charges?”

Andrew is shaking beside Neil with barely repressed rage.

Kevin is the one who jumps to Neil’s defense. “Because we can’t identify anyone. They had their faces covered. Were you not listening or do you just have selective hearing?”

Another reporter shouts, “What about DNA testing?” There is a rumble of agreement. They apparently don’t understand that just because DNA can be tested, doesn’t mean it’s going to match with anyone in the system.

Wymack is on his feet. “That’s enough, questions are over.”

Neil is the first Fox out of the room, and Andrew is right behind him.


	21. Chapter 21

Andrew had insisted that Neil still let their teammates walk him to class, and Neil hadn’t resisted, despite the fact that they both knew Neil was getting better at having people at his back again. Andrew thought that maybe Neil had agreed because he knew it would make Andrew feel better. Andrew still isn’t entirely sure what to think about that, but it was nice not having to worry about Neil all the time.

It’s Wednesday, so Andrew snags Neil after Western Civilizations and walks with him towards the dorms. They’re in companionable silence, cutting a path through the milling students. They aren’t even past the pond when Neil suddenly stops walking, whipping his head around.

Andrew stops and watches, body tense. Neil’s chest is heaving, shoulders tight, hands shaking. His eyes are wide with legitimate, bone-deep terror.

“Neil.” Andrew says his name like a command and steps up into his space, grabbing his chin to force their eyes to meet. “What is it?”

Neil swallows, struggling for air and words. Andrew can see Neil’s need to run, so Andrew fists a hand in Neil’s sweatshirt to keep him in place.

“I heard them,” Neil whispers, and the admission causes something to snap in Neil. “Andrew,” he says, grabbing Andrew’s sleeves. “I heard them. They were just here. They were here, they were –”

Neil starts hyperventilating, and Andrew grabs his neck and pushes his head down. His body is taunt, and he scans the crowd, trying to see if he can pick out anyone who could be a potential threat, anyone who’s looking at Neil too long. Neil’s grasp shifts to wrap around Andrew’s forearms. “Don’t leave,” he gasps.

Andrew stamps down his frustration and his rising urge to bury a knife in someone’s throat, and he grabs Neil tighter and pulls him away from the crowd before shoving him down and kneeling in front of him.

“Neil look at me,” Andrew says, but Neil doesn’t. Andrew grabs Neil’s chin, and Neil yanks away, flinching and ducking his head. Andrew releases Neil immediately, though he’s tense and ready to grab Neil should Neil decide to make a run for it.

It takes a tremendous amount of effort for Andrew to keep his voice calm and still louder than the mass of students around them. “Neil, it’s alright. Listen to me, okay? You are not there, and they are not going to get you anymore. No one is ever going to touch you again unless you want them to. You’re safe, Neil.”

Not being able to touch Neil, to ground him with something solid, is infuriating. Andrew is so used to being able to grab the back of Neil’s neck and hold him down, hold him close, that he doesn’t know what to do now that he can’t.

Neil is breathing too fast, and Neil’s fingers are digging into the ground, trying to hold onto something.

Andrew refuses to panic, he _refuses_. But that doesn’t mean that he actually knows how to handle this.

 _“Sometimes you have to give before you can take.”_ Bee had said that to him once. Andrew hates taking leaps of faith and he hates giving ground, but if it means getting Neil back, then he will.

“Please,” Andrew says, and it burns coming out. “Neil, please, look at me.”

It takes a moment, but something finally registers with Neil, and he looks up. Andrew is shaking almost as much as Neil is, but Neil’s breathing slows marginally when their eyes meet.

“You said…” Neil trails off. He still looks like he’s somewhere else, stuck in the past, his eyes glazed over and haunted, but he’s looking at Andrew and he’s trying to talk. “Why?”

“Can I touch you?” Andrew asks instead of answering. Neil nods slowly and then whispers a yes. Andrew grabs Neil and pulls him forward, holding him protectively. He’s almost relieved when Neil makes a disquieting sound and buries his face in Andrew’s shoulder.

Andrew doesn’t care how many people are looking at them. He grips the back of Neil’s neck and twists a fist in Neil’s sweatshirt and ducks his head so that he’s closer to Neil when he says, “Because that was the only thing I knew would get past your dense skull.”

Neil laughs, and then he cries, but he does so against Andrew’s shoulder, and Andrew glares at anyone that steps too close to them.


	22. Chapter 22

Three weeks and two days after Allison had persuaded Neil to Columbia and bought him a suit, Neil is heading back to Columbia to pick it up.

Andrew is driving the Maserati over the speed limit, staying almost completely in the left lane. Neil is so used to the recklessness that he isn’t even the least bit concerned. Instead his eyes are fixated downwards, watching his fingers and the glint of sunlight off of the knife that Renee had given him yesterday.

“I know you turned them down the first time,” Renee said, pressing the knife into Neil’s hands. “But this is different. You need to be able to protect yourself when Andrew isn’t there. You don’t have to know how to use a knife to cut a man’s face and run.”

Neil had taken the blade because Renee was always so sincere that he couldn’t turn her down.

Andrew glances over at Neil, and Neil turns to look at Andrew. Andrew doesn’t tell Neil that Neil doesn’t have to carry the knife. And Neil doesn’t tell Andrew that he’s aware of that. The knife is so small that it doesn’t remind Neil of his father at all. But he slips it back into its sheath and tucks that back into his armband.

Neil gives Andrew minimal directions to the shop, and they both step out of the car together. Neil recognizes the man that approaches them, and he manages to smile and shake the man’s hand before following him back to the changing rooms.

“Just make sure that it fits the way you want it to,” the man says, hanging up a bag inside the changing room. “If we have to make adjustments, we certainly can.”

Neil is sure that he’s going to be fine with how it fits regardless, but he steps inside and changes anyway. He’d grabbed a white shirt on his way back just to have something under the jacket, and it contrasts sharply with the black of the suit. Just like with Allison and her dresses, Neil can understand that this suit fits him better than his off-the-rack suit, and he can see that the cut of the lapels and the depth from the shoulders to the buttons is flattering, but he doesn’t really understand the concept of attraction.

Sighing softly, Neil takes off the suit and redresses, then slides the suit back into the bag and steps from the changing room.

Andrew sends him a look, but Neil can’t place the emotion behind it.

After assuring the shop worker that the suit fit perfectly, they leave and climb back into the car to return for practice.

It isn’t until they are halfway back to Palmetto before Neil realizes what had been behind Andrew’s stare in the store. “It’s a surprise,” Neil says, turning to look at Andrew, who doesn’t even glance in his rearview mirror as he slides into the left lane and puts on a burst of speed. Neil continues despite Andrew’s lack of acknowledgement. “The suit. Allison said to make you wait to see it. If it makes you feel better, she’s confident you’ll like it.”

“Do you?” Andrew asks, staying in the left lane as they pass a semi.

Neil shrugs. “It fits better than the other suit, but I suppose it would, since this one’s tailored. I don’t know.”

Andrew makes a noise and moves back over into the right lane for the sole purpose of passing someone before he moves back over to the left lane. Neil is unphased.

“There is a reason,” Andrew says, flicking his gaze to Neil for a moment, “that you have not picked out a single item of clothing in your new wardrobe. You have no taste.”

Neil wrinkles his nose. “I’ve been running most of my life. I know how to become invisible.”

“Too late for that. You’re in the spotlight now. Better look good while the cameras are on you.”

A strangled noise escapes Neil, and he turns to look out of the window at the passing scenery. Neil’s pulse is thrumming, his mind going back to the press conference last week and the subsequent news stories and magazine articles that had been written. Most of them hadn’t focused specifically on Neil and Kevin, but had broadened that out to wondering if the Foxes were sinking back down again. If maybe they had had their year last season, and that will be all they get. But the ones that had focused just on Kevin and Neil were brutal. Neil is the Butcher’s son, yet never in his life had he ever been called such degrading things.

Very, very briefly, Andrew’s hand settles over the top of Neil’s before pulling away. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know,” Neil says, and he does know. With anyone else, the words would have been wounding, but when Andrew says them, Neil knows that the intent isn’t to harm.

Andrew doesn’t respond to that, and they make it most of the way back to Palmetto before Andrew says, “Are you staying for Thanksgiving?”

Neil furrows his brow. “I wasn’t planning on going anywhere else. Why?”

“I need a road trip,” Andrew says, and the way he says it is strange. Andrew is somehow managing to push feeling into his voice while denying that it’s there.

Neil smiles and turns to look at Andrew. “Where?”

“Does it matter?”

“No.” Neil moves his eyes back to the passing scenery. “Not at all.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey welcome to rock bottom this is as bad as it gets

They won Friday’s game – barely. Neil had been happy about it all weekend, and though Andrew acted indifferent or annoyed, he was happy that Neil was happy. Exy isn’t a fix-all for Neil the way it is for Kevin, but being able to play took some guilt from Neil’s shoulders, and Andrew saw improvement in him immediately.

In the middle of class on Monday, Andrew’s phone buzzes in his pocket. Remembering his recent promise to himself to always check his phone, he pulls it out and reads the message from Nicky.

_‘Where’s Neil???’_

_‘Spanish. You should know this. You’re picking him up in twenty minutes.’_

_‘The pictures are online.’_

It doesn’t take Andrew even five seconds before he’s grabbed his bag and left the classroom. He doesn’t have to ask which pictures, because he knows. He’s calling Nicky before he’s out of the building. “What did you say?”

Nicky’s voice is panicked, as it should be. “Someone posted the pictures of Neil when he was… Fuck, Andrew, they’re trending everywhere.”

Andrew is too angry to be worried about the number of views the pictures have. The fact that they’re online is bad enough. “Get him out of his class and bring him back to the dorm.”

“Andrew, he’s not here.”

“ _What?_ ” Andrew grinds to a halt, pulse racing as he whips his head around. Neil is stupid and flighty. If he isn’t in class, there is no telling where he could have run off to. There aren’t many places that Neil would instinctively gravitate towards, and if Neil is panicking, he could be anywhere.

“I just left his class when I texted you. I’m on my way back to the dorm right now.”

“So am I.” Andrew makes his feet move again. “Call the others. Get Matt and Allison in their vehicles looking for him. Everyone else needs to fan out around campus. He’s a flight risk, and there’s no telling how far he’ll run before he starts thinking again.”

He hangs up there and runs back to the dorm. He doesn’t know how much of a head start Neil has on them, but he knows that he wants to find Neil before Neil gets on a bus or plane and Andrew loses him.

Andrew passes Nicky on the stairs and goes straight up to the roof. He isn’t expecting Neil to be there, but something hard falls in his stomach when he sees the roof empty. Curling his fist, he goes back downstairs, slamming the door behind him. Nicky’s waiting in the hallway outside of the room, and he shakes his head.

“Stadium?” Nicky suggests, and Andrew doubles back to the stairs again. Nicky is on his heels as they make their way to the car.

In the parking lot, not far from Andrew’s car, Matt is climbing into his truck.

“Head towards the airport,” Andrew says, unlocking the car. “We’re going to the stadium.” Matt nods and drives off, and Andrew settles into the Maserati and peels away before Nicky has his seatbelt on. Nicky, for once, is smart enough to not say anything.

When they get to the stadium, Andrew checks the lounge and the court while Nicky checks the locker rooms. But Neil isn’t there. Andrew slams the heel of his hand against a locker, out of ideas for where to look. Neil could be anywhere.

Andrew’s phone vibrates in his pocket and he answers immediately. “Matt.”

“I found him.”

“Where?” Andrew is already moving, Nicky locking up behind them.

“He’s… Jesus, Andrew, he’s a mess.”

“ _Where_ , Matt?” He slides into the Maserati and Nicky joins him moments after the engine growls to life.

“I already called the ambulance, just meet us at the hospital.”

Andrew’s heart skips, stops, and then races ahead. “Is he alive?”

In the passenger seat, Nicky jolts and gives Andrew a wide-eyed look.

Matt makes an inhuman noise. “Barely.”

Andrew shoves the Maserati into gear and floors it out of the parking lot. “Stay with him. We’ll meet you at the hospital.” He snaps his phone shut and shoves it into his pocket as he races down the street.

“Andrew –”

“Don’t.” There is death in Andrew’s tone, and Nicky wisely drops it. “Let the others know.” Immediately Nicky digs his phone out and sends out a mass text.

They beat the ambulance to the hospital, but not by much. Andrew approaches as soon as the paramedics start pulling the stretcher out, but he freezes when he sees bloody bandages wrapped around Neil’s wrists. The world stops moving around Andrew. He feels like he was just kicked in the stomach – all his air is gone and he has the sudden urge to vomit.

No. Neil wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that.

The world starts moving again as Matt approaches. Matt’s hands and the front of his shirt are covered in blood. He tried to stop the bleeding. How long has Neil been bleeding for? How much blood has he lost?

“You need to go clean up,” Andrew says.

Matt nods but he doesn’t move. Eventually Nicky shakily puts a hand on Matt’s shoulder and leads him inside. Andrew sits down on the curb and pulls out a cigarette. He wonders what will happen if Neil dies.

Neil won’t die. Neil is not allowed to die. He knows what it would do to Andrew if he died. Doesn’t he?


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah it's not better yet

Neil is confused when he starts to hear things: beeping, murmured voices, shuffling feet, rustling clothes. The smell hits him next, and it’s not a smell he’s used to, but he recognizes it anyway. Hospital.

No. No no no nonono.

Dying would have been so much easier.

Neil opens his eyes, and his family stares back at him. Silence stretches out for an eternity. No one knows what to say. What do you say to someone who wasn’t successful at killing themselves? What do you say to your family now that they’ve realized that you had been ready to leave them without a goodbye?

Neil breaks first. “Renee what happened to your eye?” There’s a deep bruise around it, and it’s already swelling.

“Andrew punched it,” Allison says, shooting a glare at Andrew.

Neil follows the gaze to where Andrew is perched on the bed next to Neil. Neil is having a difficult time coming up with a reason for Andrew hitting Renee. “Why?”

Andrew turns and stares down at Neil. “She gave you the knife.”

There’s a commotion on the other side of the room, and Neil turns in time to see Matt gripping Dan to hold her back. “That doesn’t mean this is her fault.”

“It’s okay, Dan,” Renee says, and there’s a small smile in place that says she understands where Andrew is coming from even if it hurts her that he’s angry with her.

Honestly Neil isn’t all that surprised at Andrew’s reaction. In Andrew’s mind, it is Renee’s fault, or at least partially. Just like it’s partially Neil’s fault for what happened to Andrew in Columbia. No one person can take all the blame. Everyone shares, and everyone gets punished accordingly.

“Neil…” Nicky speaks this time. He looks like he’s been crying.

What do you say to your family after you try to kill yourself?

“It’s not your fault,” Neil says, and despite how much he really doesn’t want to touch anyone, he holds out a hand and Nicky comes forward. Andrew stiffens next to Neil, but Neil doesn’t pay him any mind as he pulls a crying Nicky into a hug.

Neil’s arms hurt, but not as much as his guilt-filled chest hurts. “It’s not your fault,” he says again, and this time he says it to all of them. Nicky pulls away and wipes his eyes. Nicky is immediately replaced by Allison, who calls Neil stupid but holds him tight.

Kevin and Aaron and Wymack are the only Foxes that don’t hug Neil, but even Aaron manages to not look angry or disinterested. Neil wouldn’t call it concern, but Neil wouldn’t have expected concern from Aaron.

Andrew is the only one that hasn’t moved at all. “Get out,” he growls now, and everyone else stiffens.

“For fuck’s sake,” Matt starts, but Neil doesn’t give him time to finish.

“Matt. It’s fine. You can come back later, I promise. We need a minute.”

Wymack moves first. “Alright, everybody out.” He herds the team from the room, pausing for a moment before he closes the door. “If you break him, Andrew, you owe me a new striker.”

“Yes, Coach,” Andrew says, his eyes already locked on Neil.

As soon as the door is closed, Andrew picks up Neil’s hand and unwraps the bandage. The cut beneath it stretches from his wrist to halfway up his arm. The other cut is identical.

Neil doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything. He waits, watching Andrew, who is frozen staring at the long red lines held together with stitches.

“I hate you so fucking much,” Andrew whispers, and the broken thing in his voice is a kick to Neil’s ribs. “You are such a fucking asshole.”

“Andrew, I… I wasn’t… I didn’t mean…” The word “sorry” sticks in Neil’s throat, but without it he doesn’t know how to apologize.

“Shut up,” Andrew growls, and he leans forward to kiss Neil. It isn’t a hard kiss, but it’s a desperate one. “I hate you,” he says again between kisses. And again, “I hate you.”

Neil hears what Andrew can’t or won’t say. “I know,” Neil whispers, his hands looping around Andrew’s neck despite the tug on his stitches.

“You said this was different,” Andrew accuses as he leans back, hands on either side of Neil’s head, supporting him above Neil. “You said I wouldn’t lose you this time.”

Never has Neil heard so much pain coming from such an unbreakable man.

“What can I do?” Neil asks. “What can I do to make this better?”

“Stop running,” Andrew says immediately. “As of right now, you don’t get to go anywhere without me. You promise me that you’ll stop running forever. Promise me right now or I will leave.”

Neil knows that Andrew wouldn’t want to leave, but there’s a stubborn conviction in Andrew’s voice, and Neil doesn’t doubt that Andrew would walk out the door and never look back. Part of Neil is tempted to take Andrew up on that threat. Andrew would be safer away from Neil. As far away from Neil as Andrew could get.

But Neil says, “I promise,” and Andrew lets his arms give out and he lays himself across Neil’s chest, head resting on Neil’s shoulder. Neil holds Andrew like he’s afraid Andrew will disappear if he loosens his grip. He doesn’t care how much it hurts. He grips Andrew’s shirt and rests his cheek against Andrew’s head.

Andrew silently shakes and doesn’t complain about Neil touching him.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for these assholes to start fixing each other

Andrew drops Kevin off at the airport. “Don’t let Thea murder you,” Andrew says through the window, and Kevin waves him off. It was Neil’s idea that Kevin spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend.

Once Kevin is through the doors and beyond Andrew’s line of sight, he puts the car in gear and heads north.

“Where are we going?” Neil asks, shifting around in his seat to get comfortable.

“Pinehurst.”

“North Carolina?”

“Oh look, he knows geography.”

Neil makes a face that Andrew barely catches out of the corner of his eye, and then Neil pulls his hood over his head and hunkers down against the window. Andrew doesn’t comment, and he doesn’t turn the radio on. He knows that Neil is exhausted. Everyone knows that Neil is exhausted. Neil has been faking it for over a week now, pretending that he’s fine, putting on a smile, hiding his bandages under the sleeves of his sweatshirt.

Andrew hasn’t left Neil’s side. He stayed in the hospital with him, and when Neil was released, Andrew went to class with Neil too. Andrew can pass his classes without attending, but Neil can’t, so it was the logical solution.

Before getting too far down the interstate, Andrew stops at a gas station and nudges Neil. “Food and drinks. Grab me a coffee.” Neil grumbles something, but he gets out of the car and heads inside while Andrew puts gas on. Neil returns just as the tank is topped off. Neil passes Andrew a new pack of cigarettes and then they both get in.

Pinehurst is a four hour drive, and Andrew stops only once, on the outskirts of town, to fill up the car once more. Neil relaxes when Andrew does this, and Andrew knows why – the car will be ready to go if they need to run. They won’t run, but Andrew doesn’t push that.

Andrew had called ahead and booked them a room for the long weekend, so he parks in the small lot and he and Neil carry their duffels inside. Andrew checks them in, and they walk together up the stairs to the fourth floor. It’s a non-smoking room, but there’s a balcony, so Andrew dumps his bag on the queen bed and heads outside. Neil follows.

Both of them light cigarettes, Andrew dragging hard on his, Neil content to let the tobacco burn down on its own. Andrew is halfway through his cigarette, watching the last light fade away from the world, when Neil all but sags against Andrew’s side.

“I’m tired,” Neil says.

Andrew hooks a careful arm around Neil’s waist. “I know.” Neil’s been pushing himself all week to seem normal, and all week Andrew watched that effort drain all of Neil’s energy from him. “That’s why we’re here.”

Neil nods, tapping ashes from his cigarette. Andrew finishes his and tosses it over the edge. He takes the last of Neil’s when it’s offered to him and finishes that one as well.

Andrew leads the way back inside, and he closes the blinds over the balcony door and takes Neil into the bathroom. “I need to know where your lines are,” he says, watching Neil’s energy fading, knowing that Neil will barely make it through a shower before collapsing.

“I don’t know,” Neil says, pulling his sweatshirt over his head. The cuts on his arms are still angry red lines, but the stitches are gone. Andrew watches as Neil turns on the shower. “I want to be close to you. And I want to kiss you. But I don’t want to do anything else.” Neil huffs, and Andrew tries to understand what Neil is feeling, but he can’t. “That might change tomorrow, though.”

“Then I will ask again tomorrow.” Andrew moves to take off his shirt, but he stops after catching the hem. “Is this okay?”

Neil, despite everything, smiles. “Have I ever said no to you taking your clothes off?” Andrew stares at him, and Neil sighs softly. “I trust you not to push me. Yes, Andrew, it’s alright.”

Satisfied with that, Andrew undresses and gives a pointed look to Neil’s pants before Andrew steps into the shower. Neil is only seconds behind him, and Andrew steps aside to give Neil the water first. Neil washes himself, and Andrew is fine with that. There hadn’t been anything said about touching, just being close to one another. Andrew isn’t going to test that boundary.

They collapse into bed after the shower, Neil in a long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants, Andrew in a tank top and pajama bottoms. Neither wear their armbands.

Neil faces Andrew in the darkness, and Andrew hurts thinking that he doesn’t know how to help Neil now. This is so far out of his knowledge. He doesn’t know what Neil needs, doesn’t know what he wants. Tonight they’ll rest, but tomorrow? Andrew doesn’t like that he doesn’t know, and he especially doesn’t like that the lack of knowledge tightens his gut with something very similar to fear.

“Be here when I wake up,” Andrew says. He needs Neil to be here.

Neil leans forward and gently presses their lips together. That is the only place that they touch, just lips and tongues and words that they can’t or won’t say.

“I promised you that I wouldn’t run again,” Neil says, barely pulling away. “I don’t intend to break it.”

“I trust you.”

Neil pulls back a little further and gives Andrew an odd look that Andrew can’t quite perfectly make out in the dark. “Even after all this?” Neil asks, and his voice trembles.

Andrew pushes every ounce of conviction he owns into his voice when he says, “Especially after all this.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't gunna post this but... fuck it tbh I want you all to scream with me

Andrew is the one that wakes up screaming from a nightmare tonight.

Neil is bolt upright immediately, untangling himself from the sheets and turning to stare with wide eyes at Andrew. The screaming has stopped, it hardly lasted a second, but Andrew is sitting up and shaking hard.

“Andrew?” Neil shuffles to his knees, and the movement draws Andrew’s eyes. “Hey, it’s alright. It’s just me.” Andrew nods, and Neil moves closer, putting himself as close to Andrew as he can be without touching.

“Where are we?” Andrew asks, and Neil’s chest clenches.

“We’re in Pinehurst, North Carolina, on the fourth floor of the Spring Hill Suites.”

The room falls quiet, and Neil can hardly see Andrew through the darkness, but there’s just enough light coming through the blinds to make out shapes, darker shadows in the night. Neil has never seen Andrew scared. He’s seen Andrew angry because he was scared, but he’s never seen _fear_ on Andrew’s features. That is all that Neil can see now.

“Do you still trust me?” Neil asks.

The question seems to startle something in Andrew, because he turns to look at Neil. “Trust is dangerous.”

“You’re more dangerous,” Neil says, not knowing what he’s saying, just rolling with it because it’s the first thing he thought of. “You are the most dangerous person I know, but I trust you every day with my life.”

“It’s not my fault you’re stupid.”

Neil smiles at that. It’s a small smile, but it’s real. “I want a cigarette.”

“Good for you.”

“We’re on the fourth floor,” Neil reminds Andrew. “What if I try to jump off the balcony and you’re not there to stop me?”

This makes Andrew fall silent again, but finally, with a great sigh, Andrew tosses the covers from his legs and stands up. “I hate you,” Andrew says, and he takes the pack of cigarettes from Neil as he passes him.

Neil doesn’t retaliate. He joins Andrew on the balcony, and together they sit down and lean back against the door, staring out over the edge of the balcony. The cold seeps into Neil’s bones, and he can’t imagine how Andrew isn’t shivering in just his tank top.

Both of them light a cigarette and stare off into the distance.

After a short moment, Neil turns to watch the smoke curl from Andrew’s lips as he exhales. Neil drags on his cigarette, pulling the smoke into his mouth and tasting it, but he doesn’t inhale it as far as his lungs. He feels Andrew’s eyes on him, but Neil doesn’t return the stare. He pulls up a knee instead and looks out over the lights of the surrounding town.

“Leaving you alone,” Neil says without preamble. He knows it will get Andrew’s attention. “That was my only regret. I didn’t care about the rest of it, but leaving you behind…”

Fingertips brush Neil’s wrist, and Neil flinches but doesn’t pull away. Both of them are balancing precariously on the edge of a cliff. Andrew has dragged Neil back from the edge several times already. It’s time for Neil to return the favor, even if it means doing something that makes him uncomfortable.

Neil lets Andrew pull his arm away, and he doesn’t watch Andrew, but he can feel the careful way Andrew holds his hand, the delicate brush of fingertips along either side of the cut. Andrew’s grip tightens minutely on Neil’s hand just before Andrew presses a single finger to the cut, pushing hard against it, and then Andrew drags the finger down.

Neil’s eyes prickle with tears and he bites his lip to keep from making a wounded noise, but he doesn’t pull away. When Andrew finishes tracing the line, he links their fingers together and holds onto Neil like a lifeline. Neil doesn’t know how to anchor someone, but he tries, squeezing Andrew’s hand just as hard as Andrew is squeezing Neil’s.

“You were gone,” Andrew says, and for a moment Neil isn’t sure what Andrew is talking about. With guilt, Neil realizes he’s been gone so often from Andrew that he can’t pinpoint an event. “Drake was laughing, taunting me.” There is nothing haunted or hollow or soft in Andrew’s voice, but there is definitely something raw clawing its way up Andrew’s throat. “He had you. Drake had you.”

 _Oh._ Andrew is confessing his dream.

“I was watching it happen to you,” Andrew says. “I was watching him rape you, but I could feel it happening to me, too.” Andrew is shaking again, and Neil grips Andrew’s hand tighter. “He wouldn’t let you go. I wasn’t fast enough. I couldn’t get to you fast enough.”

Neil finally glances at Andrew, and the appearance of guilt over his features is jarring. “Andrew…” Neil doesn’t know what to say.

Andrew turns to Neil. “I’ve never been fast enough to save you.”

“Shut up,” Neil says, his voice gentle. “You have always saved me.”

Andrew presses his thumb to the inside of Neil’s arm, right in the middle of the cut. Neil winces. “This time I didn’t,” Andrew says.

“I didn’t want to be saved,” Neil says, and he regrets it when he sees Andrew flinch, but he keeps going because Andrew has to understand, at least as much as Neil is willing to say. “Every other time, I wanted to be saved. I mean, I didn’t think it was going to happen, and I gave up hoping, but I still wanted it. I _wanted_ to make it back. I knew I was going to die, but I didn’t _want_ to.”

Neil swallows, and he grips Andrew’s hand tight enough that it hurts. They’re both shaking, and by now it’s from a mix of the cold and their emotions. “This time was different. I was in a corner and I was overwhelmed and I didn’t have… I don’t know.”

“Restraint,” Andrew supplies unhelpfully.

“I didn’t have a way out,” Neil corrects. “I have to have a way out. There always needs to be a way to get free, to take off and leave everything behind, to get to higher ground, to get _away_. I panicked. And I didn’t want to be saved. That was my way out, and it was all I had, and I wanted it with everything that I am.” He wishes that he could tell Andrew everything, but right now he can’t. He’s not sure how safe they are. He won’t put Andrew at risk.

Andrew is suddenly in Neil’s face, hand fisted in the front of Neil’s shirt. “I am your way out.” Neil would have believed Andrew’s anger if Andrew’s voice hadn’t been shaking.

“You weren’t there.”

Neil doesn’t think there is a name for the precise look that passes over Andrew’s features.

Andrew swallows. “You didn’t wait for me.”

Neil stops, and so does Andrew. They’re both staring at each other, breaths unconsciously matching, cigarettes forgotten.

Neil isn’t sure who moves first, but suddenly Andrew’s arms are wrapped tight around Neil’s shoulders, and Neil is clinging to Andrew with his arms around Andrew’s waist. Their faces are buried in each other’s necks.

They don’t apologize. Andrew doesn’t believe in regret, and Neil hates the word “sorry.” But they hold each other, and they whisper wordless things against chilled skin, and they kiss softly and never push further than either of them is willing to go. They don’t need to say sorry when their bodies will say it for them.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next few chapters after this are going to be rocky and emotional so enjoy this while you can (I meant it though when I said the angst was almost done. they're fixing things, and that's helping both of them)

Neil’s internal clock wakes him up a little after seven. It’s later than he would be up for practice, but after being awake late last night, he got the same amount of sleep. As soon as Neil shifts on the bed, Andrew is sitting up, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms. Neil stretches, and Andrew looks at the clock.

“Why?” Andrew asks, turning to toss a glare at Neil.

Neil taps his head. “Routine.”

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks.

Heart skipping, Neil turns back to Andrew and looks at him. “Yes,” Neil says, and he doesn’t feel the hesitancy that his words imply.

Andrew moves closer and kisses Neil, and Neil melts. He can always find himself here, with Andrew kissing him like nothing else matters. Neil parts his lips in open invitation, and Andrew obliges, exploring with his tongue, and Neil does the same.

When Neil breaks for breath, Andrew raises his hand and pinches the fabric on Neil’s shirt. Neil looks down and Andrew asks, “Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

Andrew pulls off Neil’s shirt and tosses it aside, and then he pulls off his own shirt and it joins Neil’s on the floor. “Yes or no?” Andrew asks again, this time his hand hovering over the skin of Neil’s chest.

“Andrew,” Neil says with only slight irritation. “Yes.”

So Andrew pushes Neil back down onto the mattress and straddles Neil’s hips. Neil’s welcoming moan is muffled by the return of Andrew’s lips pressed against Neil’s. Andrew’s hands explore Neil, and Neil moves his body into the touches, arching his back ever so slightly at each trailing finger that moves over his scars.

“Can I touch you?” Neil asks in between kisses, their breaths mingling, lips still touching. His hands are still at his sides, because Neil has said yes, but Andrew hasn’t.

The stress rolling off of Andrew at that qustion is palpable, and Neil raises himself up just enough to be able to direct a line of kisses along Andrew’s jaw and down his neck. “I understand,” Neil whispers.

“Wait,” Andrew says, and Neil pulls back instantly, looking up at Andrew, who has an open, raw look in his eyes that Neil understands perfectly.

Sex is healing for them, because sex is where they’ve both been hurt. But to heal, they have to open old wounds, and that’s just as terrifying as it is painful.

Andrew sits up, and his weight is off of Neil’s hips, but Neil knows that’s more for Andrew’s sake than for Neil’s.

After a long moment of not moving, Andrew gets off of Neil and moves to lay on his back on the bed. Before Neil can start to think that this is over and that he should be looking for ways to ask Andrew what’s wrong, Andrew grabs Neil’s hand and tugs. “Come here,” Andrew says, and Neil obeys.

On his knees, looking down at Andrew, Neil can see everything, and it’s a perfect view of skin marred by only a few small scars and one longer one. Neil doesn’t ask about them though, not now. “What do you need?” Neil asks instead, propping himself up on one hand.

Andrew sits up and wordlessly guides Neil where Andrew wants him – on his knees between Andrew’s legs. Andrew hooks a hand behind Neil’s neck, so when Andrew lays back down, he pulls Neil with him. “Just your mouth,” Andrew whispers.

Neil nods, their noses brushing for a moment before Neil presses their lips together. He holds himself up and away from Andrew, making sure that he doesn’t touch Andrew anywhere except with his mouth. He presses his lips down the front of Andrew’s throat in open-mouthed kisses and he draws a soft moan out of Andrew by tracing one of Andrew’s scars with his tongue.

Whispering words of praise into Andrew’s skin, Neil works his way down Andrew’s body. He maps hard muscle with just his lips, teases Andrew’s nipples with his tongue, scrapes his teeth over Andrew’s ribcage. The whole time, he listens to Andrew’s breathing, listens to the occasional soft noise that Andrew makes. Neil gravitates towards those sounds, wanting more of them, wanting to know that this is as good for Andrew as it is for Neil.

When he reaches Andrew’s stomach, Neil stops and rests his forehead just above Andrew’s navel. He closes his eyes, shaking almost as much as Andrew is. Fingers wrap in Neil’s hair and pull, and Neil obediently follows the motion back up Andrew’s body until their lips connect and their tongues press together.

Andrew nibbles on Neil’s lower lip. “Yes or no?” he asks, his voice much steadier than before.

Neil groans, trying to move back for another kiss, but Andrew’s teeth stay on Neil’s lip. “Yes,” Neil says, and it’s nearly a whine.

Andrew bites down harder but Neil doesn’t care, because Andrew’s hands are on Neil’s hips, and the sharper pressure on his lip is a distraction, a way to keep him grounded, as Andrew shifts Neil’s pants down enough to pull out his dick.

“Andrew…”

“Do you want me to stop?”

Neil shakes his head quickly. “No. Fuck… no, Andrew. I just want to feel you.”

Their eyes meet, and Andrew smiles. It’s not a happy smile, nor a sarcastic smile, but it’s full of trust, and that’s all Neil could ever want.

“You,” Andrew starts, but he stops talking in favor of licking his way past Neil’s lips. Neil hums into the kiss, and that hum turns into a moan when Andrew’s hand wraps around Neil’s dick and gives a single loose stroke from the base to the tip. Andrew pulls back from the kiss and presses their foreheads together. “You need to learn how to be patient.”

Neil grins, and his chest fills with a warm feeling. He wonders if it’s love that he’s feeling, and if it is, he understands why people will do anything for it. “I don’t know how to be patient with you.” _You’re my air. You’re my lifeline._

“Clearly,” Andrew says, but the word is as tender as the next kiss that Andrew presses to Neil’s lips.

Between them, Andrew’s hands are moving, but not touching Neil. Reining in his curiosity, Neil doesn’t look down, letting Andrew do what he wants without an audience. Neil occupies himself with kissing Andrew until they both cut off with a sharp gasp. The sensation is so different that Neil can’t help himself. He looks down and finds their dicks pressed together, Andrew’s hand wrapped around both of them.

Experimentally, Neil rolls his hips down, and Andrew reacts perfectly, tightening his hand and moving his hips with Neil’s.

“You’re a fucking menace,” Andrew growls, pulling Neil back up for a much rougher kiss. This, Neil loves. When Andrew lets himself go, stops worrying, pushes their hips together and bites at Neil’s neck.

Neil doesn’t care if they’re in a hotel; he drops his head down so that his lips are next to Andrew’s ear and he moans and whimpers and nibbles on the sensitive skin just below Andrew’s earlobe.

Time becomes something that Neil happily forgets as Andrew works both of them and Neil kisses away the fear that blossoms up in their chests.

Andrew clamps his hand over Neil’s mouth when Neil suddenly climaxes, and Andrew joins him a moment later with only a sharp inhale.

Neil sits back when Andrew lets him go, and he leans down and grabs his shirt off the floor, using it to wipe off Andrew’s stomach and chest. He snags Andrew’s shirt too and holds it out to Andrew in offering. After pulling up his pants, Andrew accepts the tank top and pulls it back on.

“What did you do to me?” Neil teases as he climbs over the bed and collapses on his stomach beside Andrew. His thighs are still pleasantly shaking.

Andrew rolls over, and Neil turns his head to look at him. Andrew reaches out, running his fingertips over Neil’s bare back. “Nothing that you didn’t want,” Andrew says. Neil finds it comforting to know that Andrew is being honest and not accusing. Neil likes that Andrew knows Neil’s boundaries well enough to know what each yes means.

Neil closes his eyes, relaxed even with Andrew’s hand on his back.

“Sleep, Neil,” Andrew says, and Neil is more than happy to listen to the command.


	28. Chapter 28

The continental breakfast closes at nine thirty, so Andrew slips out of bed at nine and leaves Neil in the room while Andrew gets them food and coffee. Neil is still asleep when Andrew returns, so Andrew pulls his laptop from his bag and sits in the armchair by the balcony door, which he props open so that he can smoke.

Premeditated murder is not new to him, but this one has taken far more patience and planning than he would have wanted. These men should have been dead as soon as they hurt Neil, but Andrew didn’t know who they were. Now he has a list, and he’s been narrowing it down for the last week.

It’s pushing nine forty in the morning when his phone vibrates in his pocket. Andrew grabs it and flips it open distractedly. He’s narrowed his list down to fifteen names. Only nine of them were involved, but figuring out which six are innocent is a pain. He glances down and sees that the text is from Nicky, and then he gets one from Wymack, and then one from Renee. They all say the same thing: _‘Check your email.’_

Sighing, Andrew opens a new tab and logs into his school email. The inbox is overflowing with unread messages, but the one at the top catches his attention. He reads the email quickly and then goes back to his list, then finds a news website and looks for an article.

With a groan, Neil rolls over on the bed and pushes up onto his elbow. Andrew looks over at Neil, and he smirks when he catches Neil squinting at him. “It’s cold,” Neil says with a glare at the open door. When Andrew doesn’t respond, Neil prompts, “What are you doing?”

“Check your school email,” Andrew says, his eyes narrowing on the screen before flicking back up to Neil.

“We have a school email?”

Andrew gives Neil what he hopes is a look that perfectly conveys _“fucking duh.”_ Neil gives him a sheepish look, and Andrew rolls his eyes but forgives him his stupidity. “A student at Palmetto died. Football player. It’s causing quite a stir in the media.” Andrew would have been disgusted by the lack of respect from the press, except that it pulled the attention away from Neil. “James Lincoln. Know him?” Andrew looks up. James Lincoln is on Andrew’s list.

Neil stands up and grabs his coffee, which is cold by now, from where Andrew left it on the desk. Andrew takes a moment to appreciate the way Neil looks, hair messed up, toned torso bare, sweatpants low on his hips. Neil looks sex-mussed and sleep-deprived, which is an attractive combination on the younger striker.

After taking a sip of the coffee and making a face at it, Neil walks over to Andrew and perches on the arm of the chair. Andrew offers Neil a cigarette, and Neil accepts. Once the cigarette is slowly burning in his hand, Neil says, “He lived on the floor below us. I’ve only met him once.”

Closing his laptop, Andrew turns sideways in the chair and looks up at Neil. Andrew isn’t sure what Neil’s lying about, but he knows that Neil isn’t telling the whole truth. “Bullshit.”

The wince Neil gives is small, but very telling. “I could get you killed if I tell you.”

“He raped you,” Andrew says, because now he _knows_. Neil shuts down immediately, and Andrew watches as Neil starts throwing up his walls. _Fuck_. “No, no you don’t get to shut down. We’re here because we needed time alone. We need to talk.”

“He’ll kill you.” Neil’s voice is so small Andrew almost misses it. “Andrew, he’ll kill you, knowing full well that it would kill me too.”

Andrew snarls. “Fuck Ichirou. No, Neil, I’m not kidding. Fuck him.” He pulls Neil into his lap so that they are facing each other, and he holds Neil by the wrists when Neil doesn’t immediately pull away. After a long, tense moment, Andrew says, “We could have avoided Baltimore if you hadn’t been lying to me.”

Neil pulls one of his wrists away, and Andrew lets it go, watching Neil throw the cigarette outside. “Are we playing another round?”

“Do we have to?” Andrew shoots back. He thought that last night they had reached an agreement of sorts, but apparently Neil has been keeping something from Andrew anyway. Every time they take a step forward, they take a half step back.

Maybe Neil can see that accusation, because his shoulders slump and his eyes close.

“No more half truths,” Andrew presses. “No more lies.” He’s determined to not lose Neil as much as Neil is determined to keep Andrew. He doesn’t care anymore about how damaged they both are or what anyone else could say. He needs Neil. Andrew presses his hand to Neil’s scarred cheek and tips his head up, waiting for their eyes to meet.

“You either,” Neil says, and Andrew knows that he’s being called out. Andrew has used half truths on Neil as well. Both men deflect questions and curiosity to protect themselves. But they need to stop doing that to each other.

“Deal,” Andrew says, nodding and brushing his thumb along a ridge of burn scars. Neil shivers. “Yes or no?” Andrew asks, eyes tracing Neil’s lips.

“Yes.” Neil leans forward and meets Andrew halfway. Andrew’s fingertips curl around the back of Neil’s neck to hold him close. Neil’s fingers slide into Andrew’s hair, and Andrew moves closer to Neil, tipping his head for an angled kiss.

Neil pulls back first, and Andrew lets him go.

“I need to tell you something,” Neil says, and there’s more presence to his voice now.

Andrew nods, setting his hands in his lap. Neil picks Andrew’s hands up and places them on Neil’s knees. Neil gives a squeeze and then lets go. “Just promise to let me finish before you get mad at me.”

“Am I going to get mad at you?”

“I don’t know. But I want to finish before you do.”

Andrew narrows his eyes. “Promise,” he says at length.

Neil seems to steal himself for a moment. Then he draws a breath and starts speaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyyyy cliffhanger!!!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, so, two things that are worthy of noting in this chapter:
> 
> 1\. this whole thing is what Neil is telling Andrew (see last chapter), but it's playing out like a scene so I mean... basically just assume that Neil is telling Andrew the important things, but I'm telling you everything. make sense? if you're confused just ask. basically what I mean is that Neil isn't quoting this whole chapter, but I wanted you guys to see everything
> 
> 2\. this chapter is written in past tense because, you guessed it, the whole chapter happened in the past! I'll go back to present tense next chapter
> 
> alright! have fun kiddies

Neil never made it to Spanish. Allison dropped him off at his classroom and before Neil had made it in the door, his phone buzzed in his pocket. The hallway was crowded, and Neil was getting jittery, so he moved off to the side, finding a spot with relatively few students. “Hello?” he answered, and he felt himself pale as the voice on the other end spoke.

“There’s a car parked outside the building. Get in.” The call disconnected, and Neil rushed out of the building, found the car, and got into the backseat. He wasn’t as stupid as Andrew made him out to be. He knew what was happening.

The driver pulled away once Neil’s door was closed, and Neil watched out of the window as they drove once more to the on-campus construction site. Unlike the last time Neil had met Ichirou here, the site was completely devoid of workers. An uncomfortable feeling settled in the pit of Neil’s gut, but he refused to panic.

Around Ichirou, Neil was Nathaniel Wesninski, and Nathaniel didn’t panic. Neil, who was better with his emotions, panicked a lot, but Nathaniel could face down being tortured for hours and keep his emotions in check.

The car stopped. It was one of three black cars parked in the small gravel area. Neil’s door opened before he could think about it, and he got out and moved to the car closest to him. As expected, Ichirou was waiting for him in the backseat, holding a knife in his hand and twisting it around so that it glinted in the light.

Neil barely kept himself from wincing as the door closed behind him, trapping him in the car with a powerful man and a sharp blade.

“You were supposed to be a good investment,” Ichirou said, but he didn’t look up at Neil when he spoke. “You weren’t supposed to be any trouble at all. But then you got distracted, and now you can’t get back on your feet. Is it really so difficult? You were physically healed after a week. By now you should be winning games to keep your future secure.”

Neil knew he wasn’t supposed to speak, so he stayed silent, waiting, though his stomach was knotted and his chest was burning.

“This whole situation was a warning, and it has escalated beyond where it should have gone. Your name is being dragged through the press. Your name is my name, among the people who matter. It is my own fault for not implicitly telling the men I hired not to do anything with the photos, but I suppose I had some hope that humanity was still relatively intelligent. Regardless, this situation has reached this level because of your own inaction. I will take care of my faults today. You need to take care of the rest of the problem, permanently and quickly, or there will be extreme consequences. Am I clear?”

“Yes, sir,” Neil said. “Crystal clear.”

“Get out,” Ichirou said, and Neil obeyed. He wasn’t expecting Ichirou to get out as well, but Neil didn’t comment on it. Ichirou nodded at one of his men, and that man went to the back door of the third car and pulled out a young man. “Do you recognize him?” Ichirou asked, studying Neil.

Neil nodded. “James Lincoln. He lives a floor below me.”

“He is one of the men who raped you.”

A physical blow would have hurt less. Neil stared at James with wide eyes, fisting his hands to keep the shaking away.

Ichirou began walking away, and he crooked a finger for Neil to follow. Neil did, and the other men, including James, followed as well. Ichirou spoke again once they were all standing inside of the mostly-completed building. “He is the one who posted the photos this morning. He and his roommate were the first two men that I hired. They were more than willing.”

 _Posted the photos?_ Neil thought he might be sick, but Ichirou didn’t wait for Neil to process to the information being given to him.

“I am fixing my problem,” Ichirou said, and with a small motion of his finger, one of Ichirou’s men led James forward. Only then did Neil notice the rope hanging from an exposed beam. His stomach flipped. With another nod from Ichirou, James Lincoln was slowly strangled to death in what would later look like a suicide to whomever found him. But Neil watched James kicking and struggling for breath for nearly a minute, and then had to wait several minutes after, until James’ feet stopped twitching.

Ichirou turned back to Neil. “Time for you to fix yours. Tick tock, Mr. Wesninski. Tick tock.”

Neil stared at James’ lifeless body until he was sure that Ichirou and his men were long gone. Then he ran. Neil ran as hard and as fast as he could. He stopped once to throw up into a garbage can, but his mind was still spinning. The pictures had been released. By a student. Chances were very high that most of campus had seen them by now.

His muscles burning, lunges hurting, chest aching, Neil ran again. He didn’t want to stop, he couldn’t stop.

His legs gave out on him at the same time he started to feel the panic scraping inside of his chest, and he stumbled to a stop against a building, retreating a short ways into the alley. He sank to his knees and leaned back against the wall.

Neil was supposed to permanently fix his problem, and he was on the clock. But what was his problem? Did Ichirou think Andrew was Neil’s problem? Did Ichirou expect Neil to kill Andrew?

“No,” Neil moaned, dropping his forehead to his knees and wrapping his arms behind his head. He was struggling for breath, panic a very real think clawing up the back of his throat. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t.

There had to be another way. Andrew couldn’t die. But thinking wasn’t something that Neil was able to do at the moment. He was freaking out, mind numb, circling over and over itself, fixating on everything bad that had happened to him in the last month. He was gang raped, Kevin had to watch it happen. Nightmares, over and over and over again. _Pretty boy, pretty boy, pretty boy_. Each breath felt like gravel in and out of his lungs. Then the news story, the press conference, reporters and fans and students calling him a slut, a fag, an attention-seeking nobody. Then Neil heard _them_ on the quad by the pond, at least two of the voices that had been haunting him, and they had been so close and Neil had been panicking enough that Andrew had to say something he hated to bring him back. And now the photos were online for everyone to see, and Neil didn’t know how to move past this.

_How do I fix this problem?_

All Neil knew was that Andrew couldn’t die. Andrew deserved the chance at a very long, satisfying life. How was he supposed to ensure that and still fix –

“Oh,” he whispered, his mind stilling as he pulled off his armbands and grabbed the knife from inside its sheath. He stared at it for a long time. He knew it was extremely sharp, but it would still hurt. It would have to be a deep cut. Vertical, otherwise he’d fuck up his tendons and then he wouldn’t be able to cut the other arm.

Guiltily, Neil knew that Andrew wouldn’t want a life without Neil. He knew that Andrew would pull away from everyone if Neil died. But he also knew that Andrew was a survivor. Andrew would make it. Andrew would find a way to move past Neil’s death and live his life.

“I’m so sorry, Andrew,” he whispered, but he refused to regret this. He was being a martyr again, but he would do anything to keep Andrew safe. Dying was easy, so he made the first cut.

Neil knew better than that. Dying was not easy. Dying hurt like a bitch. It took every ounce of Neil’s determination to pick up the knife in his hand and cut the second wrist just as deep as the first. His own blood soaked him; tears streaked his face. He didn’t cry out, though, and when he was finally done, he dropped the knife and lowered his arms. His eyes closed, and he was thankful for his racing heart. He’d bleed out faster.

_Don’t come looking for me. Please, Andrew, let me go._


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annnnnnd Andrew's reaction to last chapter

Andrew doesn’t know what to say for a long time. He stares at Neil. And stares and stares and stares. He feels his fingers tightening on Neil’s knees, and it takes conscious effort to loosen them again. Andrew is extremely present now, very focused on everything, especially Neil, who is still sitting on Andrew’s knees and thighs, one foot braced on the floor.

“You should have fucking called me. I don’t –” Andrew cuts himself off. The moment for Neil to have done something, or for Andrew to have stopped Neil from cutting himself open, is long gone. There’s no reason to dwell on it.

The downside to giving a shit about what’s happening in front of him is that Andrew has to focus on his emotions along with everything else. Apathy suits him better, and he doesn’t like wrestling with what he’s feeling right now.

“I don’t understand what you were thinking,” Andrew admits. His voice is steady again.

Neil leans forward with a noise of frustration, or maybe guilt, or maybe something else entirely, and he lets his head fall against Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew hooks his arm around Neil and threads his fingers through Neil’s hair.

There is something very natural to the motions, and it’s more relaxing than Andrew would have thought something so simple could be. Despite how much has changed between them, neither Andrew nor Neil have actually changed all that much. Neil still needs support, and Andrew is still strong enough to hold Neil up.

Andrew hadn’t realized he was worried about that until now.

Neil’s voice is level when he finally speaks again. “I wasn’t thinking. I was panicking. All I knew was that you couldn’t die, and that I’ve been problematic my whole life. I’m always the problem.” Neil shrugs limply, and Andrew knows that Neil isn’t feeling sorry for himself, just stating facts the way he sees them. “So when Ichirou said to get rid of my problem… I thought that if the problem wasn’t you – I wouldn’t let it be you – then it had to be me.”

“So you thought death was the only option?”

“It would have been death no matter what. If I ran, he would kill me. If I did nothing, he would kill you. If I ran and took you with me, he would kill both of us. I didn’t see another solution.”

Andrew makes a noise of acknowledgement at Neil’s words. Death would have been inevitable, barring some other way to fix this problem that didn’t result in the mass murder of eight students. That doesn’t mean that Andrew has to like the fact that Neil tried to kill himself without saying goodbye.

“I’m going to kill him,” Andrew growls.

Neil pulls back and stares at Andrew, eyes wide. “Don’t say that.”

“Why the fuck not? He hurt you, far too many times now. He hurt Kevin. He has touched what’s mine and he has left marks. So he is going to die, and I’m going to be the one that drives the knife through his fucking eye.”

“No,” Neil says.

Andrew curls his lip. “You can’t –”

“I’m not letting you go alone.”

At the moment, that is the last thing Andrew expects to hear from Neil, and Andrew falls speechless.

Neil takes advantage. “I know that world better than you do. I can help you get to him. You can kill him, I don’t give a shit. I don’t want revenge, and you’re the one hell-bent on keeping me safe. But I will not let you get hurt along the way.”

“I won’t let you become Nathaniel again.”

“Together or not at all,” Neil says, and there is steel in his voice.

 _Finally_ , Andrew thinks, because he has missed the hot-headed trash-talker who was willing to give up his life just to play a fucking game.

“That’s not what I meant,” Andrew says, and he pulls a knife out of his armband. “I meant that when you do this, you do this as Neil, not Nathaniel. I will not lose Neil. I will not lose you.”

Neil’s eyes fixate on the knife, the way Andrew knew they would. “Neil is afraid of knives,” Neil says.

“Then take what you need from Nathaniel and let the rest of him go.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“It is,” Andrew counters.

Neil wavers. “If I can’t?”

Andrew slides the knife away and hold’s Neil’s face in his hands. “You can.”

It takes a long minute, and Andrew watches Neil struggle with himself, but eventually, Neil nods.

Andrew is satisfied with that. “I need to do something first, but we can start planning after we get back.”

Neil nods again, and then he laughs, and the sound is so unexpected that it startles Andrew.

Andrew furrows his brow, and Neil holds up a finger for Andrew to give him a moment. Patiently, Andrew waits for Neil to find control again.

“What’s so funny?”

Neil waves him off, still grinning stupidly. “It’s just… we can’t seem to have a relaxing holiday, can we?”

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Andrew deadpans, and Neil kisses him.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might be the only chapter I post today. I'm wayyyyy behind writing.
> 
> not sad!

They ordered pizza for their Thanksgiving dinner because neither of them felt like searching for a diner that was both open and serving something more seasonal. They watched old movies on the TV and lazed about in bed for the rest of the night. On Friday, they went for a run together. On Saturday Andrew drove them around the town and they stopped at an antique shop where Andrew bought something for Bee and Neil contented himself to just look.

Sunday morning they check out at ten and they are on the road by ten thirty.

“I don’t want to go back yet,” Neil says, because he’s trying to learn how to tell the truth more often, especially with Andrew, and he feels like it’s easy to start with the small things. Andrew already knows most of the big things anyway.

Andrew doesn’t comment, but instead of heading for the interstate, Andrew takes them onto a highway so that they can take a roundabout way back to Palmetto.

They stop in Albemarle for lunch, and then they pull over again on a small side road just past Millingport. Andrew parks, and Neil’s confusion spikes along with an unwanted and unnecessary curl of fear when Andrew shuts off the car and gets out. Neil follows Andrew around to the back of the car, and Neil relaxes when Andrew pulls himself up onto the truck and lights two cigarettes.

It’s a while before Andrew says, “I owe you a truth.”

Neil purses his lips and taps his cigarette to get rid of some ash. “I thought we weren’t playing a round.”

“We’re not.” Andrew looks frustrated, and he takes a long drag of his cigarette, maybe to distract himself, maybe to figure out what he needs to say. “I don’t know how to just _tell_ you things.”

“Well, generally you start with, ‘Hey, Neil, I need to tell you something,’ and then you proceed from there.”

Andrew flicks ashes at Neil, which Neil barely avoids, and he laughs as he shifts to lean up against the trunk, his forearm barely brushing Andrew’s thigh. “Alright, I’ll behave.”

“Ask me something.”

Neil hums to himself, tipping his head back and closing his eyes against the sunlight. He feels good right now, comfortable with Andrew beside him. They’re parked on an approach off the side of a deserted road, taking their time smoking because they really have nowhere to go in any rush. He doesn’t want to ask something that will bring up bad memories, but there is something that he desperately wants to know.

“Why are you still with me?” Neil asks before he can think better than to say it. “After all of the shit that’s happened, after everything that I’ve cost you… why haven’t you left me behind yet?”

“I made you a promise.”

“It can’t be that simple.”

“It’s not,” Andrew says, and with those two words Neil understands with sudden clarity just how hard it is for Andrew to talk to Neil. Andrew has never been a liar like Neil, but they’ve both held secrets very close to their hearts all their lives. Sharing is difficult, to say the least.

Neil doesn’t say anything, just turns around to brace his forearms on the trunk, staring at their reflections in the rear window.

“You are too much of my life,” Andrew says as he blows out smoke.

Neil tips his head to the side and furrows his brow. He stares at the glowing red of his cigarette’s cherry, working up the words that he wants to say. “What do you mean?” he finally asks when he knows that that is what he needs answered.

Andrew finishes his cigarette and drops the butt for Neil to step on. After a moment, Andrew pulls out another cigarette from the pack and lights it.

“I told you to stay,” Andrew says, “and you listened. I gave you a key, and then another and another, and you kept all of them like they were the most important things in the world. I tell you no and you stop, no matter what you were doing. I tell you yes and you make sure it’s still yes. You say things like ‘always’ and ‘home’ and you mean it. You ask me whether or not I want to do something, and you don’t push me if I don’t want to. You do things _for_ me, not because of me.” Andrew pauses long enough to take a drag of his cigarette. “If there was ever a time that I could have backed out of this, it is long gone, and I don’t want it anymore anyway.”

Neil is reeling from everything Andrew just said. Neil hadn’t realized that there are so many reasons for Andrew to stay. He was expecting Andrew to say that he doesn’t know why he puts up with Neil’s shit. This is almost too much for Neil to digest, almost too much to take in. But it is exactly what Neil needs.

“Can I kiss you?” Neil asks, looking up at Andrew to find Andrew already looking at Neil.

“If it means making sure you don’t make a smart-ass comment, then yes.”

Neil grins and puts out his cigarette on the ground. He moves to stand between Andrew’s knees, reaching up and pushing his fingers into Andrew’s hair. With a fluid motion, Neil rises on his toes and tugs Andrew down. Their lips meet in the hard way that Andrew likes, pressing and bruising and scraping teeth against tongues and lips, breath leaving them but neither caring.

“Fucking junkie,” Andrew mumbles against Neil’s lips, and Neil grins into their next kiss.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late. I've only been up for like forty minutes and I'm exhausted.

Andrew and Neil are the last of the Foxes to get back after the break. The upperclassmen immediately pull Neil into the girls’ room, and Andrew – after wordlessly threatening Matt to keep Neil safe – retreats into his own suite.

Kevin is sitting at his desk, laptop in front of him. Matt picked him up from the airport after Neil texted to say they wouldn’t be back on time. Andrew walks in and glances at the screen of the laptop long enough to see that it’s a game of Exy before he rolls his eyes and goes back to the kitchen to grab a snack and a bottle of water.

After another glance at Kevin, Andrew decides against the water and grabs a bottle of vodka instead before he leaves the room.

The roof is cold, but Andrew is too stubborn to go back for his jacket. He sits on the edge of the roof, legs dangling off, and feels the familiar tug of fear in his stomach at the sudden drop. He eats a few chocolate-coved pretzels before taking a pull of the vodka. It burns down his throat but by now that has become a comforting feeling.

Andrew stares across campus and wonders exactly what he’s doing. Is it just Neil that is making Andrew change so much? Is it the latest major tragedy of Neil’s rape? Is that what finally broke the cracks that were already forming in Andrew’s apathy? Not that he isn’t apathetic anymore. He can’t have just dropped that trait over a single weekend.

He only cares about Neil. He cares too much about Neil.

“Fucking damn it,” he mutters, tipping back the vodka again.

The door opens behind Andrew, and he doesn’t even have to turn to know it’s Neil. Of course it’s Neil. Andrew sets the vodka aside and digs out his cigarettes. “We’re going to need another pack soon,” he says after he lights two of them and hands one to Neil after Neil sits down beside him.

Neil takes the cigarette and the vodka, and Andrew watches as Neil takes a long swallow from the bottle. “It’s your turn to buy them,” Neil says and drags smoke into his mouth, but like the last time he did that, Neil doesn’t inhale the smoke to his lungs.

“Should I ask?”

“You can guess. I’m sure you’ll get it right.”

Andrew narrows his eyes, but all he does is take the vodka back and drink. He bites at a pretzel and offers the bag to Neil, who shakes his head. “You haven’t eaten since lunch,” Andrew says. “You need something in your gut or that vodka is not going to sit well with you.”

Neil looks like he’s about to say something but decides against it. Andrew continues to hold the bag out, and Neil shoves his hand in and pulls out a few pretzels.

When two of the pretzels are gone, Andrew tries again. “It will get easier,” he says. “The touching. Eventually you’ll be able to have someone hug you from behind and you won’t fall into a panic attack.”

“You don’t.”

He doesn’t what? Andrew wonders. Fall into a panic attack or let people hug him from behind? Regardless, the answer is the same. “I choose not to,” Andrew says.

“That’s bullshit.” There’s nothing hard in Neil’s voice, but Andrew turns to him with a frown anyway. “Don’t give me that. When people touch you and you’re not expecting it, you have a knife in your hand before they can even apologize. You almost killed a man in Eden’s for bumping into you.”

Andrew blinks slowly at Neil, understanding now where the conversation had turned, before turning back around and looking out across the campus.

They sit in silence long enough to burn through three cigarettes each, and once they’ve flicked the last of the butts over the edge of the roof, Neil’s shoulders have sagged and Andrew is running on fumes and shivering. Andrew stands first, straightening slowly and stretching out while Neil stands beside him.

Neil reaches over and loosely snags his fingers around Andrew’s. Andrew glances down, looking at their connected hands, and then he threads their fingers together and leads the way off the roof.

Practice will resume again in the morning, but Kevin is still in the sitting room watching games at his desk. Andrew walks straight to the bedroom after setting the vodka and pretzels in the kitchen, and he and Neil change into clothes to sleep in. Andrew takes his spot against the wall, and Neil crawls in and lies down so that they face each other.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks.

“Always yes,” Neil reminds him.

Though Andrew knows that there will always be something Neil would say no to, Andrew also knows where Neil’s boundaries are. Andrew doesn’t ever want Neil to say no to him. He wants it to be yes, always, the way Neil promises it will be.

Andrew kisses Neil slowly, tasting every inch of his mouth. His hand slides over Neil’s side, his back, moves back to Neil’s chest and dips under the shirt to trace Neil’s scars.

For the first time in years, Andrew feels something like hope blooming in his chest, and it terrifies him.


	33. Chapter 33

Neil wakes up Wednesday night to his phone ringing. “Hello?”

“Come get me. I’m at the stadium.”

“Andrew?” Neil blinks in the darkness, just now realizing that Andrew is not in bed with him. Kevin is snoring soundly across the room, so there’s no reason for Andrew to be at the stadium.

“Just shut up and come get me. Take the car.” Andrew hangs up before Neil can respond.

Curious and concerned, Neil doesn’t bother to get properly dressed, just slips into his shoes and walks out into the hall. He’s halfway to the stairs when his phone vibrates in his pocket. “Andrew?”

“Bring me a change of clothes.” And then Andrew hangs up again. Exasperated now, Neil goes back into the room to do as Andrew asked.

By the time Neil gets to the stadium it’s almost three in the morning. He parks the car and gets out, looking for Andrew on the sidewalk or leaning against the building. When Neil can’t find Andrew, he goes inside. “Andrew?” he calls ahead, body tense as he turns on lights and makes his way further into the building.

“Locker room,” Andrew replies, and Neil goes there without further question.

Neil enters the locker room and closes the door behind himself. “Andrew, what –” Neil cuts himself off, staring at Andrew in shock. Blood. There’s so much blood. Covering Andrew’s clothes, his arms, dripping onto the floor. “What the fuck happened? Are you hurt?”

“Your concern is charming,” Andrew says, voice as heavy as his eyes. “Did you bring the clothes?”

For a moment Neil has no words. It’s the middle of the night and Neil is still in his pajamas, but Andrew is standing across from him with blood-soaked clothing and a horrible grin. “Yeah,” Neil says after a while. “Yeah, I brought them. I’ll burn your clothes if you want to start showering.”

Andrew smiles, and Neil frowns.

They walk into the showers together, Andrew pulling his lighter from his pocket and tossing it to Neil before stripping out of his clothes. Without a word, Andrew goes into one stall and Neil another. Burning the clothes isn’t easy, but it’s important. Neil knows that he won’t be able to burn all of it, but heating it up is the most important part, ruining as much evidence as possible.

When he’s done, Neil rinses off the floor and leaves the stall with the ruined clothes in hand. Andrew is already dried off and dressed, cleaning the blood on the floor that had dripped from his clothes.

Only after everything is clean do they leave. Andrew drives them out of town and parks as close to the middle of nowhere as they can get. Neil gets out and dumps the clothes in the ditch, then wanders back to Andrew, who is leaning against the side of the car. With only the moon shining on him, Andrew looks like he’s made of silver and crawling out of the darkness.

Andrew passes Neil a cigarette, and Neil takes it, watching smoke billow from Andrew’s lips.

“I killed him,” Andrew says. “James Lincoln’s roommate. I killed him and left a message for the others. If they come near you or touch anyone again, I’ll kill them too.”

Somehow Neil isn’t at all surprised by this. Andrew isn’t injured, so the blood could have only come from another person. There was a lot of blood. “Are you okay?”

“I was protecting you.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Andrew gives a frustrated growl and clenches his jaw. Neil watches the muscle tense and then relax again as Andrew blows out a heavy breath. “I’m better than I was.”

“Why is that?” Neil presses. If Andrew is going to make Neil stop lying, Neil is going to make Andrew confront his emotions, especially if those emotions only pop up around Neil.

“I fucking hate you,” Andrew says without feeling. Neil presses his lips together and faces front again, only watching Andrew out of the corner of his eye. Andrew drags on his cigarette and finally says, “I’m better because you’re safe, and because I got to take my frustration and anger out on him.”

Neil nods, understanding that. “Are they going to shut down the school when they find the body?”

“They’re not going to find the body.”

There is something very chilling about Andrew’s words, but Neil doesn’t comment. He doesn’t want to know. If the cops come looking, Neil wants to be able to tell as much of the truth as possible.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Are you serious?” Andrew blinks at him, and Neil stares. Neil opens his mouth but doesn’t know what to say except, “Can I hug you?”

“Don’t get soft on me, Josten.”

“Is that a yes or a no?”

“It’s a yes, but if you burn me with your cigarette I will punch you in the gut.”

Neil drops his cigarette without much thought. Andrew is standing with his hands at his sides, so Neil wraps his arms around Andrew’s neck and buries his face in the crook of Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew loosely sets his hands on Neil’s sides.

“Thank you,” Neil says again, this time with more force and feeling. He doesn’t think anyone has ever thanked Andrew for defending them.

Andrew wraps his arms tight around Neil and grips his shirt in both hands. Neil holds on just as tight for as long as Andrew needs it.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because I love all of you, here's a casual "let's dress Neil up" chapter
> 
> you all knew it was coming as soon as Allison took Neil shopping, so here you be

The rest of the season passes without any issues and soon Christmas vacation is looming over them, but they have to deal with the Christmas banquet first. The Foxes are hosting this year, and it breaks Neil’s heart when they’re setting up tables and chairs on the court. There are mats on the floor, but that doesn’t make Neil feel any better. Thankfully the team doesn’t have to worry about decorating, because a group of senior art students volunteered for that.

Allison steals Neil away from Andrew the day of the banquet. “We’re getting our hair done,” she says, dragging Neil and all of the girls with her. Over her shoulder, she promises Wymack that they will be in the stadium an hour before the first team is due to arrive.

“Did you warn Tiff that there would be more of us than normal?” Renee asks as they pile into Allison’s convertible, which has it’s roof up for the winter.

“Of course I did. I wouldn’t just spring these monsters on her,” Allison says. Some of the girls are sitting on each other’s laps because there aren’t enough seats, but Allison doesn’t care at all and drives them to the salon.

There are three stylists working when they show up, and all of them have open chairs. Allison makes the two freshmen girls and Neil go first. “Mind if I tell her what to do?” Allison asks Neil as Neil sits down and lets the stylist drape a black cape over him.

“Well I don’t really know anything. Mom and I cut my hair with scissors, so…”

Allison gives Neil a pained look. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” he replies instantly.

Allison beams and then tells the stylist what to do.

First Neil gets his hair washed, which isn’t too weird of an experience because Andrew sometimes washes Neil’s hair. But where Andrew is almost brutally efficient, the stylist is gentle and talks to him the whole time. The shampoo smells really nice and Neil briefly considers buying a bottle of it.

It doesn’t take long for Neil to realize that having the stylist at his back is going to turn into a problem, and as soon as the clippers start buzzing by his head, Neil goes completely motionless, ever muscle tense and ready to run.

“Neil,” Allison says, snapping her fingers to get his attention. When Neil is looking at her, Allison starts talking, using her hands to gesture and further emphasize her points. Neil gets so caught up in watching her and listening to her that he relaxes, and he doesn’t mind when the stylist starts cutting his hair.

After a while there are scissors involved, and then there’s a blow-dryer and some styling gel and then Allison is beaming and Neil is staring at himself in a mirror.

“It’s called an undercut,” Allison says as Neil runs his fingertips over the suddenly very short hair on the sides and back of his head. Allison pushes her fingers through the long bangs, and Neil unconsciously leans into the contact. There’s a mischievous smile on Allison’s lips when she says, “Andrew is going to love me so much.”

Neil doesn’t understand why, but he gets out of his chair and goes to sit next to Dan while Allison slides into the seat Neil was just occupying.

“Allison has good taste,” Renee says from the other side of Dan.

Lizzy comes around the counter just then with her hair done up elegantly, glittering in the light. “Holy shit, Neil, you look hot.”

Flabbergasted and not knowing how to answer, Neil just thanks her and looks down at his lap.

They almost don’t make it back to the dorms on time for them to change, but Allison shoves Neil into his room after handing him the shirts that she’s been holding onto for him. “The red one, remember,” she says and then disappears into her room.

Neil dresses slowly, being careful with the suit, tucking the shirt in, buttoning it up to his throat. When he steps out into the hallway, Allison is waiting for him. “No,” she says, shaking her head and reaching her hands out. “Come here.”

Cringing, Neil steps forward into Allison’s waiting hands.

“Neil look at me,” Allison says, and Neil does. “I’m not going to hit you.”

“I know.”

“Why are you cringing then?”

“Oh.” Neil hadn’t even realized. “Sorry.”

With an expression Neil doesn’t recognize, Allison tips Neil’s chin up. “Don’t apologize,” she says, and then moves her hands to the collar of his shirt. She unbuttons enough of the shirt to expose the dip of his collarbone, and then she steps back and looks him over. “Button the top button of the jacket.” Neil obeys. “Good. When you’re standing, always keep that buttoned. When you’re sitting, unbutton it.” Neil nods. “Let’s go show you off to your boyfriend.” She calls for the girls to come out and they head to the stadium together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way, I'm picturing Neil's [hair like this](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/70/d3/39/70d3397c7834603804adba326fc510f4.jpg)
> 
> and his shirt is [this color](http://www.color-hex.com/color/710c04)


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really short bonus chapter of how Andrew reacts to the suit and haircut!!!
> 
> this was originally was going to begin the next chapter but.... it didn't really fit and I couldn't make it work, but I needed to give this to you guys

Andrew is leaning against the outer wall of the court, legs crossed at the ankles. Wymack threatens him vaguely to help them finish the final touches, but Andrew waves him off. The art students left twenty minutes ago. The first team won’t be here for another forty-five minutes. There’s nothing more to do.

He’s just about to go for a cigarette when the sound of high heels gets his attention, and the girls walk onto the inner court with a chorus of greetings.

“About damn time!” Wymack yells back.

But Andrew isn’t listening. His eyes are glued on Neil.

_What in the holy hell._

His mind stalls for a moment as he takes in the new hair, the extremely well-cut suit, and the deep almost blood red shirt that sets Neil’s eyes on fire.

Allison stops next to Andrew and leans in to whisper, “You’re welcome.” Andrew is still staring speechlessly at Neil when Allison walks away.

Neil sees Andrew staring and walks up to Andrew, hands in his pockets and a sheepish look on his face. “I cut my hair.”

“I can see that.”

Neil looks up, flickering his eyes between Andrew’s. “Do you like it?”

Andrew doesn’t know exactly how to describe how much he wants to bury his fingers in Neil’s bangs, so he just says, “Yes.”

Neil’s smile is enough to settle heat into Andrew’s veins. He wants to push Neil up against the Plexiglas and unbutton Neil’s shirt with his teeth.

“Andrew! Neil! Get your asses in here we need to have a group conversation,” Wymack calls to them.

“Time for the powwow,” Andrew says and leads the way into the court.


	36. Chapter 36

Everyone behaves at the banquet only through dinner, and then once the mingling starts, everything falls downhill quickly. First comes the hard looks in Neil’s direction, the stares that last a little to long. Not even Andrew’s threatening glares can keep them away. Then come the whispers, the barely-heard comments.

Andrew is walking with Neil and he can feel Neil shaking, but when Andrew looks over at Neil, the striker is standing tall and staring straight ahead. Andrew is proud of him, but he knows that Neil is cracking and it’s just a matter of time before he breaks.

The moment comes when a man, who’s standing closer to Andrew than to Neil, says to one of his friends, “God I would love to have that pretty ass beneath me.”

The thought to react hasn’t even crossed Andrew’s mind yet when his hand connects with the man’s face. It’s a Raven, judging by the all-black suit, and that just makes Andrew even more furious. But Andrew only gets two more punches in before he’s being pulled off.

“Andrew!” It’s Wymack. Andrew tries to yank away, his vision clouded with red. “Andrew knock it off. I’ll take care of this, you go get Neil.”

The mention of Neil makes Andrew freeze. “Where is he?”

“Ran off towards the lounge.”

Andrew is gone before Wymack has finished speaking.

Neil is in the lounge, sitting in the corner with his knees drawn up and his head buried under his arms. Andrew stops, not wanting to spook Neil, not wanting to make him run. He’s surprised that Neil isn’t long gone by now.

“Hey,” Andrew says softly. Neil flinches, which makes Andrew grimace, but Neil doesn’t bolt. “Neil, it’s just me.”

“I know.” Neil’s voice is muffled, but audible.

Andrew walks forward the rest of the way and sits down in front of Neil, resting his hands in his lap. “Look at me.” It takes a few moments, but eventually Neil drops his arms to his sides and looks up. Andrew glances down at the inside of Neil’s right arm and sees red lines from Neil scratching at it. Andrew doesn’t comment on it, though, far too concerned with Neil’s psyche at the moment. “Where are you right now?”

Neil’s eyes fall shut and he leans his head back against the wall. “Physically or mentally?”

A stone sinks in Andrew’s gut, and the feeling is so uncomfortable he’s willing to do anything to make it go away. “Look at me,” he says again, and he doesn’t move until Neil complies. “How can I help?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can I touch you?”

After a moment, Neil nods his consent.

Andrew moves onto his knees and shuffles up to Neil. “I want you to still have the wall to your back, but I need you to move around a little. Are you comfortable doing that?” When Neil nods again, Andrew rearranges their positions mostly without Neil’s help, until Andrew’s legs are crossed and Neil is sitting in his lap, back against the wall, legs around Andrew’s waist, arms clinging to him tightly, chin on Andrew’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Neil whispers.

Because Neil can’t see his expression, Andrew asks, “For what?”

“For not being able to fix myself. For not being able to shut everything down like you do. For needing you to touch me to bring me back. And don’t say it’s not a problem because I know it is. I know it bothers you.”

“Neil?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

Suddenly the door is thrown open and Nicky comes through, already talking before he’s over the threshold. “Guys, Coach is getting worried and he sent me to – oh.”

Neil says, “We’re fine, Nicky,” at the same time Andrew says, “Get out.”

Nicky holds up his hands and starts backing away. “If you’re good to go, though, Coach says that you need to get back out here and participate. The new Ravens coach, What’s-his-face, is pissed as hell.” With that Nicky ducks out, closing the door behind him.

Andrew presses his lips to Neil’s shoulder. “Where are you now?”

“Very firmly in your lap.”

Unable to help his smile, Andrew says, “As you should be.” He slowly disentangles the two of them and reaches out a hand to help Neil to his feet. “I’ll let you punch him next time if you want.”

Neil laughs. “It would be my pleasure.”

They return to the court together. Half of the gathered students are staring at them, but most of them cheer when Neil and Andrew step through the door. Neil freezes, and Andrew stops with him. The cheering doesn’t last long, but the affect on Neil is tremendous.

Andrew has no doubts that Neil needs people, needs a very large support system. The Foxes come up to them, and Neil smiles. Andrew is glad to see it, even if he knows it’s not completely real.

“We kicked the Ravens out,” Matt says proudly.

“Told them all to fuck off since they can’t behave themselves,” Dan adds.

“Their coach claimed that he was too angry to stay anyway,” Wymack huffs. “Whatever. Piss babies.”

“I love all of you,” Neil says, and Allison is the first to grab him and pull him into a hug.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tomorrow it ends. brace yourselves

It took a whole year to plan. Neil knew the ins and outs of the gang world, but he didn’t know specifics about Ichirou, and he certainly didn’t know where Ichirou lived or how to get to him. Every night Neil and Andrew planned, and every night they got one step closer to killing Ichirou.

Tomorrow they were flying to New York with a plan in place. Neil had asked his Uncle Stewart for help, and Stewart had agreed. Someone would replace Ichirou, but if Neil was good enough he could erase the evidence that Neil was ever Moriyama property.

Andrew is currently sitting across from Neil, and Neil can’t stop looking at Andrew, taking in how breathless he looks with the evening light falling behind him, throwing gold in a halo around Andrew’s hair. It’s cold as all hell, but they’re sitting on the roof anyway, two cigarettes burning between them. Neil needed to be alone with Andrew, who was happy to oblige.

“What?” Andrew asks, blinking slowly at Neil.

Smiling softly, Neil responds, “Just you. Everything about you.”

“Don’t start getting sappy on me.”

“You like it when I’m sappy.”

“No I don’t.”

“The same way that you like it when I kiss your neck?”

Andrew narrows his eyes but doesn’t comment. Neil watches Andrew drag on his cigarette, watches the smoke rise in a white cloud from his lips. “What are you worried about?”

Neil jolts, his eyes shooting back to Andrew’s. “How do you know I’m worried?”

“Because I know you, stupid. I know your face and your habits better than my own.”

Unable to argue with that, Neil leans forward so that his forearms are braced on his knees. “I’m worried about turning back into Nathaniel.”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “You’re not turning back into Nathaniel. You’re taking small pieces of him, and you’re attaching those pieces to yourself. Just take what you need, and we can work on you letting them go when we get back.”

Neil wants to believe that it can be so simple. Just grab pieces of Nathan’s son. Grab pieces of the boy who learned how to hold a knife before he learned how to play Exy. Grab pieces of the man Neil had to become to survive Lola. Grab pieces of the man who smiles a killer’s smile, who would gladly bathe in blood, who once killed a man by shoving a knife through his throat and ripping out his jugular. Andrew makes it sound so easy, but it’s not.

Nathaniel is a disease, a virus that is more difficult to get rid of than to catch.

“Do you trust me?” Andrew says, dragging Neil away from himself.

“Of course I trust you.” It has been a very long time since Neil didn’t trust Andrew. So long that Neil has only fuzzy memories of it.

Andrew shifts forward and cups his hand around the side of Neil’s neck. Neil leans into the touch, his eyelids drooping but not closing completely. “Then trust me to be able to help you back when we’re done.”

Neil makes a noise of frustration. “It’s not that easy,” he says, but Andrew pushes his fingers into Neil’s bangs and tugs lightly, grounding him in one easy motion. “Andrew… I don’t want to be my father.”

“But you need to be a killer. I can’t kill everyone. I need you to be a killer for one day, and then I will rip Nathaniel from you if I have to, and we can burn him together.” Andrew sounds so sure of himself and his plan that it’s difficult to doubt him. Neil doesn’t want to doubt him.

After a moment, Neil nods. “Alright. What do I need?”

“Knowledge of knives and no fear of them.”

That is easier said than done. Neil’s knowledge of knives is limited at best. He can handle them in a crisis but he isn’t good with them. Not being afraid of them is an even harder memory to find. Neil had been oh so young when his first knife was handed to him, and then he wasn’t scared, but not long after he was. Neil tries to find that moment of fearlessness and clamp down on it.

“You need to be able to kill, Neil. Knife or gun, I don’t care, but you need to be willing to kill.”

Andrew’s voice is steadying, and Neil clings to it. “Keep talking,” he whispers. Andrew does, talking through their plan once more. Neil knows it word for word, inside out and backwards, and is able to tune out the words. He uses Andrew’s voice as an anchor as he pries the willingness to kill from the bloodlust of Nathaniel.

Neil succeeds, and he shakes himself out as he lets those parts of himself fall back into place. It feels like coming home, in a terrifying, dangerous way that Neil has an immediate distaste of.

“He’s going to die tomorrow,” Neil says, staring at a point past Andrew’s shoulder.

Andrew directs Neil’s eyes back to Andrew with a finger on Neil’s chin. “Yes, he is.”


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here starts the beginning of the end

Andrew is dripping blood. At his side, Neil is in the same condition. All of the men in the room are dead, except for Ichirou, who is standing in front of them, clutching his bleeding hand to his chest. Neil is a better shot than Andrew gave him credit for. The gun Ichirou was holding is now on the floor, several feet away.

It is just the young boss facing down Andrew and Neil.

“It’s over,” Neil says. Andrew can hear the exhaustion beneath the feral snarl. It took them the better part of an hour to make it to this room, and more than twenty minutes to get to this point. Neil and Andrew are both injured. Andrew is favoring his left side, his shoulder dislocated and a gash under his ribs from a grazed bullet. Neil has been limping since they entered the room, but otherwise Andrew doesn’t know how injured he is. They are both covered in their own blood, and the blood of other men.

“Is it?” Ichirou challenges, eyes gleaming. The only blood on him is his own.

“Neil?” Andrew is asking permission as he pulls out his longest knife. Andrew knows exactly how to get to the heart, exactly how hard to push. He wants to watch Ichirou die.

Neil makes a dismissive noise. “I don’t want him. He’s not worth my time.”

Andrew likes the new ferocity in Neil’s voice, but he doesn’t want it to stay. When this is over, he’ll help Neil find himself again.

For now, Andrew walks up to Ichirou, his grip tightening on the hilt of his knife as he approaches. “No one touches what’s mine,” Andrew says, and then shoves the knife into Ichirou’s chest.

Something sharp and hot pierces Andrew’s gut, but he just bares his teeth and pushes closer, staring into Ichirou’s flat eyes until the light fades from them and they gloss over. Andrew drops the knife and staggers backwards, watching Ichirou fall in a slump onto the floor. “That was too easy,” Andrew says, turning around to face Neil again.

Suddenly the world is tilting and Andrew stumbles, falls to his knees.

“Andrew!” Neil is in front of him immediately. Neil’s hands are on Andrew’s shoulder, his arm, but Andrew doesn’t mind being touched. He’s hardly aware of it.

His gut is burning, hotter than the graze in his side, hotter than his dislocated shoulder. “Son of a bitch,” he mutters, pressing his hand over the place where his skin is suddenly on fire. But it’s not on fire. Andrew’s hand comes away bloody, but that doesn’t mean anything; his shirt is soaked in blood.

Neil pushes Andrew’s hand away and lifts up Andrew’s shirt. Neil swears, and it’s such a creative string of curse words that Andrew feels a little proud. “Lay down,” Neil says, guiding Andrew onto his back. Andrew doesn’t resist. His body is numb except for his gut. There’s a sudden pressure over the wound, and pain signals fire rapidly in Andrew’s brain. The strangled noise he makes doesn’t sound human. He grips Neil’s wrist, trying to pull his hand away.

“Stop it,” Neil growls. Andrew doesn’t like the fear in Neil’s voice.

“I’m not dying.” But even Andrew knows that something is wrong. Very wrong. Is his vision supposed to be blurry? Is he supposed to be breathing this fast?

Andrew tunes Neil out when he hears Neil talking to someone over his phone. _Not an ambulance_. Even Neil couldn’t be that stupid. After a moment, Andrew closes his eyes. He’s tired. He needs to sleep.

“Andrew!” Neil slaps Andrew hard enough to make Andrew groan and open his eyes. “Stay awake. Keep your eyes open and on me.”

 _Oh_. Maybe he is dying. Maybe that’s why Neil is shaking. Maybe that’s why he can’t even feel the pressure of Neil’s hand on his stomach anymore. “Neil,” Andrew says, but it’s so soft he can barely hear it.

“No,” Neil snaps.

But you can’t say no to death. Death doesn’t ask for consent. Death takes what it wants, when it wants.

Andrew needs to say something to Neil. He needs to promise Neil something, but he doesn’t remember what he has to say. All he can think of are the words Neil said to him when Neil thought he was going to his death. “You were amazing,” Andrew says, reaching up to grab Neil’s shirt, but it’s gone. Confused, Andrew moves his hand to where Neil’s is pressed to the wound and finds Neil’s shirt there. Andrew rests his hand on top of Neil’s.

“Don’t say that,” Neil whispers, and the fear is suddenly very real in his voice. At least Neil is alive. That was the whole point of this. Neil is alive, and he’s safe, and he has the Foxes and Wymack to look after him. Neil has a family, support, people to love him and people that he loves. He will get along just fine without Andrew. “Don’t say that, Andrew, you need to stay with me. I need you. I’m a mess without you.” That’s cheating. Neil’s self-hate always wins his battles against Andrew.

It can’t win this one.

Andrew finds Neil’s face in the haziness that has taken over the world around him. His thumb brushes over Neil’s knuckles. “You’ll be okay,” Andrew says. When he coughs, his throat burns and his vision swims, but he doesn’t look away from Neil. “You have to be okay. Promise me,” Andrew says, insistent because this is it, this is all he has. He won’t get another moment with Neil. Andrew needs to make his last words count. “Promise me that you’ll keep living. You’ll stay with the team and take them to finals. You’ll _live_. Promise me not to shut them out. Promise me, Neil.”

Andrew thinks that Neil is crying, but he isn’t sure.

“You can’t leave me. We were just starting to get this right. You can’t leave now.” Neil is begging.

Breathing is hard. His pulse is beating too fast. He can’t focus. Everything is numb. He’s slipping and he can’t control it. Andrew doesn’t want this. He _wants_ to stay. But even Andrew can’t control death.

“I don’t…” Andrew struggles to find the air he needs to speak. “I don’t know what love feels like,” he says, breath rattling in his chest. “But I think I felt it with you.”

“Andrew,” Neil whispers, and he’s definitely crying now. “Andrew don’t. Please, Andrew, stop it.”

Andrew thinks he smiles. “You know I hate that word,” he whispers.

And then he fades away.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the "official" ending

The sun is shining and no one is crying when Andrew’s casket is lowered into the ground. It’s a small service; just the older Foxes, Wymack, Abby, and Bee.

Aaron hasn’t spoken a word to Neil since Neil returned with Andrew’s body; Neil has avoided looking at Aaron as much as possible. Nicky cried for the entire first day, but he pulled Neil to him and cried on his shoulder for at least an hour after Neil apologized. Kevin disappeared with Wymack and resurfaced two days later drunk and stumbling and unable to stop staring at Neil and asking if Andrew was really gone. None of the other Foxes had much of a reaction. The girls flew back to Palmetto when they heard the news. Renee went to see Bee, but around the others she still tried to smile and pull them all together.

Neil is numb and shaking and on crutches since his foot is in one of those stupid clunky boots. He fractured a bone in his ankle. He has bandages covering injuries that will turn into scars and remind him of what he has lost.

Wymack says a few words, and so does Bee. Everyone looks at Neil, who knew Andrew the best out of all of them. Knew. Past tense. Andrew is gone.

“I don’t know what to say,” Neil says, staring at the black casket, the white roses piled on top. “He had a bad hand given to him. He survived a lot of horrors and died for something that he believed in.” Neil can’t say that Andrew died for him. That is too much. He can’t handle that right now. “He wouldn’t appreciate all of us standing around talking about his life like it was something good, because it wasn’t. He didn’t care about anything except protecting his family. He had a shitty life and he knew it, and he wouldn’t want us to remember him as anything other than who he was.”

Nicky is crying now. Aaron has turned away. There is a soft smile on Renee’s face, and Matt reaches over to set his hand on Neil’s shoulder. Neil doesn’t lean away, no matter how much he wants to. He never promised Andrew that he would stay, that he would let the Foxes in. But he felt like it would be a horrible thing to throw away Andrew’s last request.

The Foxes file out after saying their last goodbyes. Neil doesn’t move. “Nicky,” he says, but he doesn’t turn to look. “You and Aaron should ride back with Matt. I’m going to be a while.”

“Take your time,” Nicky sniffs, wiping at his tears, and then he walks away, leaving Neil alone with a grave that shouldn’t be there.

Neil tells the cemetery workers to fill it in, and he watches as they push the dirt back into the hole. They’re careful about it, and Neil thinks it’s because he’s watching. Their kindness is wasted on him. Andrew is dead; Andrew doesn’t care how gentle they are with his coffin.

When Neil is finally left alone, he hobbles over to the headstone and slowly lowers himself to the ground, leaning back against it. The weather is cold, and the ground is cold, but there’s no snow, and there’s no wind. Neil lights two cigarettes and sets one at the base of the headstone and puts the other between his lips. He drags on it and inhales all the way to the bottom of his lungs. It burns, but he doesn’t care.

Cigarettes, scars, and a car. That’s all he has left of Andrew.

“Stewart says it worked,” Neil says after a while. “Ichirou was replaced immediately, but the information about Kevin, Jean, and me is destroyed. I don’t have to run anymore.” He drags on his cigarette and pulls a knife out his armband. “I can’t get rid of Nathaniel, though.” Those pieces of his past that he pulled up and reattached – they won’t go away. “You were supposed to help me with that. Did you promise to, or did you just say that you would? I don’t remember. I’ll pretend it was the latter so that you don’t have to break your last promise to me.”

Neil drops his head back against the stone. He doesn’t feel anything. Feeling hurts. He understands why Andrew chose apathy, even though Neil knew Andrew could feel.

When Neil finishes his cigarette, he turns around and faces the headstone, reading the inscription that Aaron and Nicky chose for him.

 

_Andrew Joseph Minyard_

_Nov. 4, 1984 – Dec. 30, 2006_

_Brother, cousin, protector._

_May you find some comfort wherever you go._

 

Neil presses his knife against the stone and starts carving. It takes over an hour, but by the time he’s done, he’s managed to match the font and carve his own claim to Andrew at the end of the third line.

After putting his knife away, Neil gets to his feet. He presses his fingers to the top of the headstone and then limps away, leaving behind a burning cigarette and everything that Andrew ever meant to him, summed up in a single carved word.

Brother. Cousin. Protector. _Lover_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also the dates are running off the assumption that the first book happened in 2004, which I think is right? idk but yeah that's where those dates came from


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annnndddddd here's the alternate ending!!!

Neil is stuffed full of so many pain medications that he can’t feel his fractured bone or the lacerations and gashes that cover the rest of his body. He’s been dozing on and off for the last several hours, refusing to leave Andrew’s side. The Foxes are staying in a hotel in town, but Neil hasn’t left the hospital.

Tired of sitting, Neil grabs his crutches and gets to his feet. He paces. He’s been pacing a lot lately.

He’s on his eighth lap around the room when a low groan comes from the other side of the room. Neil stops so fast he almost hurts himself and he quickly turns to look at Andrew.

“Ow,” Andrew whispers, and Neil immediately starts moving over to him, dropping his crutches and leaning on the bed.

“Andrew.” Neil is shaking, and when Andrew looks up at him, Neil starts crying. After a moment of staring at Neil in confusion, Andrew reaches out and wraps his hand around the back of Neil’s neck. Neil follows the pressure and carefully leans down, sobbing into Andrew’s shoulder. “I love you,” he gasps. “I love you, Andrew Minyard.”

It takes a long while for Neil to calm down, and Andrew silently holds him the whole time. When Neil eventually pulls away, he moves to sit on the edge of the bed, his fingers brushing through Andrew’s hair.

Andrew takes Neil’s hand away from his hair and holds it instead. “I’m in too much pain to be dead.”

Neil laughs, and it hurts, and he’s still crying, but Andrew is alive. “You’re not dead, asshole.”

“Why is that?”

“I called Stewart. He was close enough that we were able to get you to the hospital. It’s been four days.”

Andrew blinks slowly, his hand tightening around Neil’s. “Aaron?”

“He’s here,” Neil says, trying to soothe Andrew, whose heartbeat is being projected loudly on one of the monitors. “They’re all here. But it’s late so they went back to the hotel.”

“You’re still here.”

“I wouldn’t let the nurses kick me out.”

“Stubborn.”

Neil just smiles, his thumb brushing Andrew’s knuckles. He’s so relieved to have Andrew back, to not be alone, that he really doesn’t have anything to say. He already said the important thing, and now he just wants to hold Andrew, to be with him when he heals, to keep him safe the way Andrew always kept Neil safe.

Andrew shifts a little and winces, but he settles down soon after with a sigh. “How are you?” Andrew asks, lifting his eyes to Neil’s.

It’s difficult for Neil to think past the shiny gold in Andrew’s hazel eyes when he thought he might never see them again. “I’m relieved,” Neil finally says. “I’m exhausted. I have to walk around on crutches for the next six weeks. We’re not going to make it to finals, but I don’t really care about that. Kevin is pissed though.” Neil chuckles softly and ducks his head. Andrew’s fingers find their way into Neil’s bangs and tug on them.

The affectionate touch grounds Neil and reminds him where he is. “Stewart said that it worked. Ichirou was replaced, but Jean, Kevin, and I are free of our debts.” Neil looks up at Andrew but not enough to dislodge Andrew’s hand from his hair. “I’m safe. We’re safe.”

Andrew nods, closing his eyes for a moment. Neil watches, sure that Andrew has fallen asleep, but then Andrew moves himself over to the other side of the bed and pats the now empty space beside him. “Lay down. You need to sleep.”

Neil doesn’t argue, because Andrew has already exerted himself and Neil would hate for that to have been for nothing. He lies on his side, and Andrew reaches over to grab Neil’s hand and rearrange Neil the way he wants.

Neil ends up with his head on Andrew’s shoulder, his arm draped over Andrew’s chest, and his knee bent and resting over Andrew’s leg. In the morning, the other Foxes will be here, but for now it’s just them, and Neil lets himself be selfish for the night.

“I hate you,” he says softly and with as much tenderness as can be put into those words.

Andrew squeezes Neil’s hand and says, “That’s my line.”


End file.
